Onwards and Downwards

Well, here we are, some four months later, and, in a way, things are looking better.

I suspect I've been hypothyroid for years, having researched the symptoms a bit.  There is a lot to learn and I'm only just beginning to get to grips with it.  Whether my ill-functioning thyroid is down to my food addiction or vice versa, it's difficult to properly ascertain - as I won't deny my love of food or psychological problems with it either....   Any way you look at it, the symptoms have been increasing over the last 15 years and is a massive relief, in the sense that all the fatigue, constant colds and allergies, aches and pains and an encyclopedia of other symptoms are now attributable to it, and not to me being a drama queen, hypochrondriac, emotional wreck, or developing some other sinister condition.  Not that the acknowledgement of it in itself has solved these problems, I am struggling to find the right medication at the moment (and I do suspect it could be Hashimoto's), but there is huge relief nonetheless.  I have found great support in actress Gena Lee Nolin's charity, Thyroid Sexy, as well (via Facebook); they are a wealth of knowledge and in getting awareness out there, so if you suspect you might have thyroid problems (and you might not, I wasn't), then check them out.

I think I have a good GP, and she's on the ball with my diabetes too.  I was a bit dubious about having my meds doubled a few weeks ago, but it's all going well, and I do believe that at least one of my meds has knocked my appetite out of its usual unsatiability (I'm sure that's not a word!) as well.  I have to remind myself to eat most of the time.  Although I'm experiencing a LOT of fatigue at the moment (due to the thyroid probably), I don't feel the need to get energy fixes with refined sugar.  I feel that my appetite is normal now.  I joined Weight Watchers around the time of my last post, with the help of the NHS referral scheme, and have lost 25lb pretty effortlessly.  I've been watching portion control and finding that despite the weirdly small-looking portions (compared to what I've been eating the last million years), the amount is enough, and if I'm hungry, I know I can bulk it out with veg.  I've rediscovered fruit, and love the fresh taste of apples, satsumas and melons.  I've learned that, yes, okay, I do have a sweet tooth, but I'm able to indulge myself a little bit every day, and I'm more forgiving during times of PMS.  Refined sugars aren't ideal, of course, but one thing at a time....!

In the last couple of years, well, up to about a year ago, I started frequenting an all-you-can-eat Chinese place.  Every time we'd go, we'd fill up on really cheap, good food - and when I say "fill up", I mean to the point of bursting, and not being able to breathe properly and needing to lie down.  Eventually it dawned on me, I don't like feeling like this - what is the point of stuffing yourself beyond being satisfied?  To get my money's worth?  Surely being full is getting my money's worth!  We stopped going (moving about 15 miles away helped!), but on the odd occasion when we do go to an all-you-can-eat, I remind myself that I don't want to walk home with an uncomfortably full stomach.  I hate that feeling.  I still struggle a little, I mean, I do like my food, but I'm getting there, and that's good enough for now.

Abstinence is not an Option... I think...

Well we are almost 3 years on.  I am roughly the same weight and my health has paid the price.

I was diagnosed as diabetic in April 2011, and just recently was given a cholesterol level of a whopping 7, and was informed that I am one of those mythical people who have an under-active thyroid.  I am pretty sure I am at an early stage of having heart problems too, as my previous GP was beginning to investigate, and I believe he was heading in the direction of giving me "the op".  Now... I'm having second thoughts.  Yes I'm scared of having an operation.  But I'm scared of having a stroke.  Scared of a having a heart attack.  Scared of dying too young.  I may die on the operating table, but hopefully I won't know about it.  It's something I'd agree to now.

For the first year or so I was adamant that I didn't want to go this route.  I'd investigated it a bit and am terrified of having an operation, so it was a firm "no thanks".  To go through life-risking surgery and completely messing about with my body - that doesn't necessarily fix the problem anyway.  For me, at least, my own obesity is an emotional thing.  It's an addiction in exactly the same way as alcoholism and drug dependency, etc.  Except, with the food addict - we are constantly bombarded with adverts on our 'drug of choice'.  Even as I type, the BBC are showing a programme on various ways to prepare this drug to enjoy it to its fullest.  I get bombarded with coupons in a variety of media formats and I only have to step outside the door to find my dealers, on virtually every main street, 24 hours a day.  And it's legal.  Abstinence is a great tool, but when you need this particular 'drug' to live.... abstinence is not an option.

So... my body rattles with pills.

I have a new GP as I've moved to a different area.  They seem like a really friendly, helpful, caring and pro-active practice - so I know I have good support there.  Ultimately, it is up to me now.  When I first embarked on the whole weight-loss process, way back in the 1980s, when I was about 18, I weighed 13st (182lb).  I've never been that weight since.  My motivation then was to look good and wear the clothes I wanted to.  Ten years later, then up to 19st (252lb), my motivation was the same, but with the addition of pushing 30 and wanting to get a man, a family - the whole picture - and more work (I worked in an industry where how you look effects how much and what type of work you get).  I did well and lost 56lb.

Well, life got in the way.  I had a very demanding job and I got a man - although the family never happened.  The weight I'd lost back at the turn of the century had come back with a vengeance.  At my heaviest I was a little under 23st (322lb).  That would have been around the time I started this blog - if anyone cared enough to keep up!

My motivation now is simply that I want to look.  Clothes, I don't care about really.  I was never really a natty dresser, I have simple tastes in clothes really - although I adore the 30s-50s style.  Women dressed beautifully in that period.  I think now, at 43, I'm really too old to embark upon parenthood.  Clearly my other half isn't bothered about my size, as I was 17st when I met him and he's still fairly eager.  We're getting married in December.

Well anyway.... the GP has referred me to Weight Watchers, and I begin on Monday.  It's the diet treadmill again.  But what choice have I?  It's got to be better than continuing to abuse my body and force-feed myself like a fois gras goose.

Anyway.  Must stop now.  I'm hungry.