One Eon Later

It feels like ages since I last posted 11 days ago (ish). A lot's happened in that time.

I came to terms with my current struggle to get back on the wagon. I have bootcamp next weekend (a group of people on the diet from a forum/website have booked some cottages and there's no food allowed. Foodpacks and fun only). It's perfectly timed because I think I'm almost mentally ready, will certainly be by Friday, and after essentially 3-4 days of doing it and hearing stories and being re-programmed motivationally, I'll have no trouble sticking to it.

I've been fairly relaxed about the diet then, keeping to my shake in the morning (because I like it, not because I've got to, which is good!!), having one or two more in the day (and trying not to cave!), grazing on chicken roll and tuna sandwich filling every now and again (2-3 times a day). Psychologically it's been a good move because I've given myself small, achieveable goals and not allowed myself to feel guilty. I know I'm not going to slip off the wagon 100% and by this time next week, I'll be just about over the hurdle.

Not that I've been an angel. I had a Baileys the other night, but I rarely drink anyway and had worked so hard last week (harder than I think I ever have) and was in kind of a stressful work situation. I knew the Baileys would calm my nerves and it did just that. I had one pub measure and that was it. I only drank water after that. Yesterday I had a bottle of beer, even rarer for me, I didn't finish it but I really enjoyed it. And today I had a couple of steaks with a few new potatoes (about 6) and loads of cabbage, with a little gravy. And a WW single cheesecake. Damn we went to Krispy Kreme too and I had 2.5 donuts. So today has been exceptional, but I feel better for it and very positive that tomorrow I'll be pretty good.

Why am I feeling positive...?

I finally decided to cut ties with my counsellor. I've been on this diet since October and she's been on holiday twice in that time, the second time for what will be a total of three months. The worst time to go too, the Christmas period. I've explained before reasons I was unhappy with her, so I won't go over old ground, but her replacement, who I think is newly qualified, has let me down too much.

I was quite ill over Christmas - I mean constantly, and I needed support re the diet in connection with it. I called and left messages that she never returned and I panicked because I was about to run out of foodpacks. The woman runs her own business from home so you can't tell me she didn't get those messages. Finally she called me back (just in the nick of time) and we arranged to meet, same day, same time. She hinted that people were coming earlier and that she didn't want to wait around for me to come later, so I didn't mind changing it to earlier. Well, I turned up, but where was she? Angry, I left another message for her and went off. I happened to drive by later and the lights in the house were on so I knocked. There she was with other clients. I thought she had no-one to wait around for? She told me we had arranged it for the next day, but that's crap, I arrange it for the day I do because I'm in that area anyway on that day. At least admit your mistake woman.

It turned out I'd put 12lb on over the Christmas period. I wasn't devastated by that though. Actually, officially I'd put on 1lb, but during the time I couldnt get hold of her myself, I bought some scales, weighed myself after Christmas and had actually lost 11lb. I probably wrote about that before.... sorry, going over old ground!

Why I got onto that was because on the way out of the house (she seemed very keen to leave and was finishing our session on the way out of the door) realised we hadn't arranged another time to see her. I'd already told her that I wanted to go fortnightly (mainly because I wanted to minimise opportunities of her letting me down) and she offered to call me on the alternating week to just see that all is well.

I am due to see her tomorrow. I haven't heard a peep from her since that night; no call came on Monday, no call to arrange a time this week.

Fuck her, why am I handing money to people too inconsiderate, disinterested and too unreliable? Losing weight is fucking hard and you need to feel that someone is supporting you - obviously no-one more importantly than yourself, but it would be good if your counsellor gave a toss.

So I went to the regular forum and put a plea out. Someone on there did her best to help me, bless her, but I mishandled it and things didn't go my way and I hope I haven't offended her, I didn't try to but she went out of her way to help me, and I moaned about this and that, so I think she might feel I'm ungrateful. I really appreciate what she did for me - recommending her counsellor and putting me in touch with her. It just didn't work out.

I panicked because, as I've learned recently, I panic when I'm not in control of situations I'm in. I don't mean I'm controlling, I just mean I need to be in control of my part of situations, upon how they effect me and I them. So I learned from it. I also believe in fate, so I think perhaps it wasn't meant to work out.

In short, I left two voicemails with her counsellor, she didn't call back, yet she had spoken to this girl in the meantime who'd mentioned me, and I felt again, well, here's another one who can't be bothered. I was also almost out of packs, stressing out because of it, and needed resolution as close to immediately as possible.

Someone else recommended the site that I have linked on this very page, to find a localish counsellor (their helpline couldn't help me because I needed to give them a full postcode - what help is that in this situation?!). Funny because I contacted the very first contact I had with this diet, explained the situation, she was absolutely lovely, and I saw her today.

She's just a 10-15 minute drive away - more than twice that of the other counsellor, but it was worth it. What I found was someone who is interested in what she's doing, she gave me loads of advice and tips, listened to what I had to say - fantastic. So now I have a fortnight's-worth of food and I feel kind of safe again (do you see the food = contentment issue here?!)

The good news is that I lost 10lb in the last 2 weeks. I suspected as much, although didn't dare hope. The scales I bought after Christmas told me that, but I never rely on those things - it only cost £3! But I've decided to weigh myself regularly on it - not to obsess about it, as I realise that weight - especially at my size - fluctuates throughout the day and the week, but as a tool to focus on what I'm doing. I hope it works out. So far so good. I told my new counsellor and she agreed it was a good tool, apparently, she says, statistics show that people who weigh themselves regularly are more successful with weight loss. So it seems my theory about the psychological aspect must be true.

I'm feeling really good, mentally. Phsyically, I've been better, but donuts, cheesecake, steak and potatoes aren't really condusive to physical well-being are they? But psychologically, we need to treat ourselves now and again, because we're worth it.

That's it - a long post this time, but you can see why!

I'm hoping to report at least a 7lb loss in two weeks' time. I'll post again next Monday at the latest, to write about bootcamp.

The Weight Goes On

Sigh. Well it's been a tough few weeks.

It all started with bloody Add A Meal and these pains (which I'll be talking to the GP about next Monday) when I do eat.....sometimes. Had it really bad over Christmas, but it seemed to clear up late on Boxing Day.

Of course, the day after I get a stomach bug, and NOTHING stays in my stomach long. I'll spare you the details but put it this way, the Cambridge Diet was off limits and so was even drinking water.

I suffered, but I lost something like 11lb.

Since then things have been bad! Theoretically it would have been a good time to get back on the wagon with this, but the GP said to have normal but bland food. When I finally realised I was okay, there was just too much temptation around. I mean, if you put a recovering alcoholic in the middle of a party where there's free booze, it's a tough challenge to stay sober. So goes it with the food addict. A recovering food addict should not, under any circumstances, ever go to Krispy Kreme doughnuts. SEVEN of them managed to find their way into my mouth. I was frenzied. Okay that's an exaggeration but did find it hard to stop.

I seem to have been on a very slippery slope since that happened on Saturday. Sunday and Monday have been spent trying to be good - but there were bix and chox in the staffroom at school today (normally I can ignore them) and then I really wanted a Snickers before being good tomorrow.

One day at a time at the moment then. I think that a few days of being as good as I was when I started should sort it.

Definitely changing C's as I've had so much trouble getting hold of anyone, it's ridiculous. My C is away until Feb, and the replacement never seems to return my calls and didn't even turn up today (I drove by after college and she was there then). Whatever. I've changed to fortnightly meetings instead of weekly so at least I only have to worry about it every two weeks.

According to her, it's 1lb on, but as it's the first time I've seen her since before Christmas, I've actually lost 11lb and put on 12lb!!!

So it's time to get back into it. I don't want to see any more 'ons'. I know this diet works, it's piss-easy, it's just the first few days that is hard. I need to get the same motivation I had 3 months ago when I started, 3stone ago.

Wish me luck...

New Counsellor?

Fed up.

I had to weigh myself as my Counsellor is on holiday (second time since November) until February. Her stand-in, who is training up to be a Counsellor, has been really hard to get hold of, I've left her a couple of messages as I couldn't go to our pre-arranged appointment last week and she hasn't bothered ringing to see how I am or simply return my calls.

Not good.

Fortunately I've eaten so little the last week and have been off the packs due to my stomach bug that I have enough packs to see me through about a week and a half, and I'm going to find another Counsellor in the meantime. I'm giving her until the end of tomorrow to get in contact with me, although my mind is already made up.

There's a good one, I'm told, about 10-15 drive away, so if I go once a fortnight that should be okay. I'll give her a ring on Wednesday.

So, yes, I bought some scales (they were only cheap) and according to those I've lost 11lb. I've rechecked it a couple of times and it still likes 11lb, so I'll take it as read for now.

I'm going back onto Sole Source tomorrow - I haven't gone barmy with food, although I did have a big roast pheasant dinner today that I should have had on Boxing Day. I had the dessert (Christmas pud and Tia Maria cream) yesterday - didn't eat too much of that and I didn't react too well to it anyway!!

Apart from that haven't eaten that much, I haven't really been in the mood for it. I had two (english) muffins with a bit of egg mayonnaise, but I really had to force it down and didn't feel too good after. GP warned that stomach still might be a bit delicate for a few days. Had some Diet Coke but am not as keen on it as I used to be! So, not over the top.

Am looking forward to a fresh start tomorrow and going back to shakes and soups!