One Eon Later

It feels like ages since I last posted 11 days ago (ish). A lot's happened in that time.

I came to terms with my current struggle to get back on the wagon. I have bootcamp next weekend (a group of people on the diet from a forum/website have booked some cottages and there's no food allowed. Foodpacks and fun only). It's perfectly timed because I think I'm almost mentally ready, will certainly be by Friday, and after essentially 3-4 days of doing it and hearing stories and being re-programmed motivationally, I'll have no trouble sticking to it.

I've been fairly relaxed about the diet then, keeping to my shake in the morning (because I like it, not because I've got to, which is good!!), having one or two more in the day (and trying not to cave!), grazing on chicken roll and tuna sandwich filling every now and again (2-3 times a day). Psychologically it's been a good move because I've given myself small, achieveable goals and not allowed myself to feel guilty. I know I'm not going to slip off the wagon 100% and by this time next week, I'll be just about over the hurdle.

Not that I've been an angel. I had a Baileys the other night, but I rarely drink anyway and had worked so hard last week (harder than I think I ever have) and was in kind of a stressful work situation. I knew the Baileys would calm my nerves and it did just that. I had one pub measure and that was it. I only drank water after that. Yesterday I had a bottle of beer, even rarer for me, I didn't finish it but I really enjoyed it. And today I had a couple of steaks with a few new potatoes (about 6) and loads of cabbage, with a little gravy. And a WW single cheesecake. Damn we went to Krispy Kreme too and I had 2.5 donuts. So today has been exceptional, but I feel better for it and very positive that tomorrow I'll be pretty good.

Why am I feeling positive...?

I finally decided to cut ties with my counsellor. I've been on this diet since October and she's been on holiday twice in that time, the second time for what will be a total of three months. The worst time to go too, the Christmas period. I've explained before reasons I was unhappy with her, so I won't go over old ground, but her replacement, who I think is newly qualified, has let me down too much.

I was quite ill over Christmas - I mean constantly, and I needed support re the diet in connection with it. I called and left messages that she never returned and I panicked because I was about to run out of foodpacks. The woman runs her own business from home so you can't tell me she didn't get those messages. Finally she called me back (just in the nick of time) and we arranged to meet, same day, same time. She hinted that people were coming earlier and that she didn't want to wait around for me to come later, so I didn't mind changing it to earlier. Well, I turned up, but where was she? Angry, I left another message for her and went off. I happened to drive by later and the lights in the house were on so I knocked. There she was with other clients. I thought she had no-one to wait around for? She told me we had arranged it for the next day, but that's crap, I arrange it for the day I do because I'm in that area anyway on that day. At least admit your mistake woman.

It turned out I'd put 12lb on over the Christmas period. I wasn't devastated by that though. Actually, officially I'd put on 1lb, but during the time I couldnt get hold of her myself, I bought some scales, weighed myself after Christmas and had actually lost 11lb. I probably wrote about that before.... sorry, going over old ground!

Why I got onto that was because on the way out of the house (she seemed very keen to leave and was finishing our session on the way out of the door) realised we hadn't arranged another time to see her. I'd already told her that I wanted to go fortnightly (mainly because I wanted to minimise opportunities of her letting me down) and she offered to call me on the alternating week to just see that all is well.

I am due to see her tomorrow. I haven't heard a peep from her since that night; no call came on Monday, no call to arrange a time this week.

Fuck her, why am I handing money to people too inconsiderate, disinterested and too unreliable? Losing weight is fucking hard and you need to feel that someone is supporting you - obviously no-one more importantly than yourself, but it would be good if your counsellor gave a toss.

So I went to the regular forum and put a plea out. Someone on there did her best to help me, bless her, but I mishandled it and things didn't go my way and I hope I haven't offended her, I didn't try to but she went out of her way to help me, and I moaned about this and that, so I think she might feel I'm ungrateful. I really appreciate what she did for me - recommending her counsellor and putting me in touch with her. It just didn't work out.

I panicked because, as I've learned recently, I panic when I'm not in control of situations I'm in. I don't mean I'm controlling, I just mean I need to be in control of my part of situations, upon how they effect me and I them. So I learned from it. I also believe in fate, so I think perhaps it wasn't meant to work out.

In short, I left two voicemails with her counsellor, she didn't call back, yet she had spoken to this girl in the meantime who'd mentioned me, and I felt again, well, here's another one who can't be bothered. I was also almost out of packs, stressing out because of it, and needed resolution as close to immediately as possible.

Someone else recommended the site that I have linked on this very page, to find a localish counsellor (their helpline couldn't help me because I needed to give them a full postcode - what help is that in this situation?!). Funny because I contacted the very first contact I had with this diet, explained the situation, she was absolutely lovely, and I saw her today.

She's just a 10-15 minute drive away - more than twice that of the other counsellor, but it was worth it. What I found was someone who is interested in what she's doing, she gave me loads of advice and tips, listened to what I had to say - fantastic. So now I have a fortnight's-worth of food and I feel kind of safe again (do you see the food = contentment issue here?!)

The good news is that I lost 10lb in the last 2 weeks. I suspected as much, although didn't dare hope. The scales I bought after Christmas told me that, but I never rely on those things - it only cost £3! But I've decided to weigh myself regularly on it - not to obsess about it, as I realise that weight - especially at my size - fluctuates throughout the day and the week, but as a tool to focus on what I'm doing. I hope it works out. So far so good. I told my new counsellor and she agreed it was a good tool, apparently, she says, statistics show that people who weigh themselves regularly are more successful with weight loss. So it seems my theory about the psychological aspect must be true.

I'm feeling really good, mentally. Phsyically, I've been better, but donuts, cheesecake, steak and potatoes aren't really condusive to physical well-being are they? But psychologically, we need to treat ourselves now and again, because we're worth it.

That's it - a long post this time, but you can see why!

I'm hoping to report at least a 7lb loss in two weeks' time. I'll post again next Monday at the latest, to write about bootcamp.