Really Struggling

Well it's 4 months since I began this journey and I'm a stone lighter for each month. Moreorless.

I've been struggling for the last half of that and the struggle continues. I know I'll be safely secured back on the wagon at some point, but at the moment I'm still chasing it! Confident of that, I've begun to slip into older and badder ways - in particular, secretive eating. Defying the rules of healty living. Ignoring the signs and ignoring good advice.

See, those people who advertise their idiocy by saying that all fat people have to do is eat less and exercise are dumb to the fact that this is every much an addiction as drugs, cigarettes, caffeine, alcohol and nicotine. Every bit as much. All a heroin addict has to do is stop using, right? All a smoker has to do is not light up the next cigarette? Not easy is it.

The difference between these addicts and food addicts like myself is that if you never touch another cigarette, sniff up another line of coke, pour another whiskey, you will still live. Live better and longer in fact. Give up food, and you die. Simple as that. So the body will always be dealt its drug and Tescos will be just another in millions of dealers. No good to Robert Downey Jr, however strong he may be these days (and best of luck to him on that btw), if there are several dealers offering him drugs as he walks down the street, drugs lying all over the house (well I don't have food lying all around the house, but you get the comparison), people taking drugs all around him, advertising the wonderful feelings you get on heroin on radio and tv, etc etc etc, it even he would have to cave at some point.

If all I had to do was avoid food situations and never have any food accessible to me ever again, it would make this struggle a lot easier, believe you me.

Anyway. The diet itself.....

I didn't go on the weekend. It's a long story but everything in life got on top of me the night before, it all ran quite deep and I lost the will to go. That short explanation doesn't do it any justice really, it wasn't as trite as all that. What made it worse is that everything was pinned on that weekend, and although generally I'd advise against putting all of one's eggs into a single basket, if you've got a lot of eggs to carry and a really good basket, you take the risk. I feel the weekend would have been so beneficial to me in lots of ways and I honestly feel I'd be back on the wagon if I'd've, but, whatever, it's been and gone, I wasn't there, that's that.

I clung onto positivity despite breaking down, because all I can predict if I totally let go doesn't bear thinking about. I truly felt as if I wasn't so much slipping down the slope into my old ways but just struggling to get back up. I believe this is to be expected at certain points of anything like this, and figure that if I just get through it and stay focussed, I'll get there in the end.

I don't think I was deluding myself but I think I believed in this so much that I got complacent - and a little bit too cocky. At my last weigh-in I'd officially lost 2.5lb. I was expecting to put on so I was happy with that. That's when cockiness crept in. Whilst I was looking up this preverbial slope, I hadn't noticed that in fact, my feet were slipping down.

Weighing myself last night, after a trip to Krispy Kreme and this time downing only 4 donuts (and a sandwich I'd taken along as support!), I found, according to my scales, I'd put nearly 7lb back on. Luckily, this wasn't an official reading, so I'm looking at it as a warning of what could be when I weigh in a week from now. I should be more realistic, but I'm not looking at it as I've put on but that I just have to stop myself from putting on. It's twisting the truth really.

I've been quite good today - I have picked, to be honest, just before I came and updated, because it just got too much. I've done that, but didn't have any carbs, and I'm trying not to feel guilty.

Looking forward, I'm going out for 2 meals this week, one tomorrow and the other on Wednesday. I'm allowing myself these but I've got to be sensible. I'm going to a really nice pizza restuarant but I know their salads are gorgeous too, so I'll have one of those. If I've not eaten during the day I MIGHT have dessert - my OH doesn't have a sweet tooth so I might try and go without or else force him to share ;o)

Wednesday I'm going to my favourite cafe in the whole world, it's due to close down soon after being there at least 60 years (unchanged!). I've already decided to have a roast dinner, but I'll be asking for no potatoes (or I'll give them to the OH).

I have people staying on Thursday, and we are going to cook a chicken stew with dumplings. I will be bulking up on the vegetables in that particular meal! I think I'll buy individual desserts and not have anything. I might actually make one of the shakes into a mousse for myself. It's still calories I know, but at around 100cals I don't think it's a great problem.

I've no plans after that to eat out, for the foreseeable future. I will try my best to stick to shakes and soups all week other than that.

So.... I will report again for duty, same fat-time, same fat-channel, in a week's time.