Sorry, I've left it too late in the day to blog properly, so I'll try and keep this short.
Not doing brilliantly, am on hungry week - but trying just to stick to no-carb or lo-carb stuff. Fine except today I had about 10 McDonald's fries and 2x small mouthfuls of Yorkie McFlurry.
Mike's words on his blog, "do i want to eat, or do i want to be slim" is starting to become a mantra, and despite my caving in at times, has actually helped.
I'm being weighed officially tomorrow, and I am certain that I will have put on since Saturday. Oh well, that's the price you pay!
I've made some more jelly, I've got the recipe nailed now - 4x leaf gelatine, 500ml water and a couple of drops of food colouring. It's gorgeous with a mousse and will become a life-saver at times.
I expanded on that thought and made a litre's worth of water with water flavouring a tiny bit of colouring and lots of ice all whizzed up in the blender. I'd drunk it within the hour (all it needed was a splash of schnapps or vodka!!)
So I'll be back tomorrow with the bad news, I'm fighting feeling bad about it because it's done now, it's all part of the addiction, and I could have been worse.
Sunday 21 May 2006
Saturday 20 May 2006
Swings and Roundabouts
Well Tuesday morning was all well and good until I got cocky! I had some trout, tuna and something else fishy that day and ended up 4lb heavier the next morning!!
I had a pound of minced beef the next day!
Okay, time to admit that I am on hungry week and just make do with it. This apparently means that women need an extra 500 cals a day, which is why we all go mad for chocolate in certain times of the month!! :o) Not that that's an excuse, I have well over 500lbs of calories in the bank! In fat terms I'm a millionaire! Okay, not quite, and I digress.
I found out on the CD forum about a perfectly legal jelly made with water, gelatine and CD water flavouring. Batch one tasted okay, although was a bit wibbly and unappealing to the eye. Next batch I used leaf gelatine and a couple of drops of yellow food colouring. Heaps better but still too wibbly. Batch 3 is wibbly too, so I'll just add another leaf of gelatine next time. I stuck it in the freezer for about half an hour which, and let's face it, these are desperate times - helped! I made a chocolate mousse to go with it and not only was it filling but DIVOON!!!!
A pile of choc Angel Delight and orange Jelly?!?!?! Are you SURE?!?!?! Now every meal can be Sunday teatime when I was a kid. And I've got it all to myself. Fantastic.
So I lost the 4lb I put on and another 2 on top of that since then, so in effect I've lost 2lb since Tuesday, ah, I'm not complaining. I haven't been this weight for about 5 years, and it's going in the right direction, so it's all good.
Finally a little note to Mike, if he comes here again, I saw you splashed all over the Daily Mail today!! Very proud of you and hope to be following in your footsteps man!! Thanks for your message as well, it was short and sweet but the timing was perfect!!
Right, that's your lot for today (it's getting to that time of day when I'm struggling and I've no chocolate packs until Monday!!!).
I had a pound of minced beef the next day!
Okay, time to admit that I am on hungry week and just make do with it. This apparently means that women need an extra 500 cals a day, which is why we all go mad for chocolate in certain times of the month!! :o) Not that that's an excuse, I have well over 500lbs of calories in the bank! In fat terms I'm a millionaire! Okay, not quite, and I digress.
I found out on the CD forum about a perfectly legal jelly made with water, gelatine and CD water flavouring. Batch one tasted okay, although was a bit wibbly and unappealing to the eye. Next batch I used leaf gelatine and a couple of drops of yellow food colouring. Heaps better but still too wibbly. Batch 3 is wibbly too, so I'll just add another leaf of gelatine next time. I stuck it in the freezer for about half an hour which, and let's face it, these are desperate times - helped! I made a chocolate mousse to go with it and not only was it filling but DIVOON!!!!
A pile of choc Angel Delight and orange Jelly?!?!?! Are you SURE?!?!?! Now every meal can be Sunday teatime when I was a kid. And I've got it all to myself. Fantastic.
So I lost the 4lb I put on and another 2 on top of that since then, so in effect I've lost 2lb since Tuesday, ah, I'm not complaining. I haven't been this weight for about 5 years, and it's going in the right direction, so it's all good.
Finally a little note to Mike, if he comes here again, I saw you splashed all over the Daily Mail today!! Very proud of you and hope to be following in your footsteps man!! Thanks for your message as well, it was short and sweet but the timing was perfect!!
Right, that's your lot for today (it's getting to that time of day when I'm struggling and I've no chocolate packs until Monday!!!).
Tuesday 16 May 2006
Woohoo!!
I only got up about half an hour ago, so I've nothing to write about today yet - except I'm so excited that I lost another 2lb that I couldn't wait to write it up!
This means I've beaten my second mini-goal - I'm not just back to where I was when I gave up before, but I'm 2.5lb less!!
Good news as well that on the wonderful Cambridge Dieters site, I found out about a recipe for jelly that I am totally allowed to use!
That is going to be a real lifesaver - I made some last night. The colour isn't very appealing so I'm going to try a couple of drops of food colouring next time. I have a small feeling it might be too sweet for me, but who cares? I'll just put in less of that ingredient.
The only percievable problem I can see is that some of the mixture coagulated into plastic-y "bits", which is really unappetising! Well, it's only my first one, it'll get better!
In a GOOOOOOD moood!!
This means I've beaten my second mini-goal - I'm not just back to where I was when I gave up before, but I'm 2.5lb less!!
Good news as well that on the wonderful Cambridge Dieters site, I found out about a recipe for jelly that I am totally allowed to use!
That is going to be a real lifesaver - I made some last night. The colour isn't very appealing so I'm going to try a couple of drops of food colouring next time. I have a small feeling it might be too sweet for me, but who cares? I'll just put in less of that ingredient.
The only percievable problem I can see is that some of the mixture coagulated into plastic-y "bits", which is really unappetising! Well, it's only my first one, it'll get better!
In a GOOOOOOD moood!!
Monday 15 May 2006
Still Fighting the Fight
It's not been too bad today. Still in ketosis and I wasn't hungry until I'd been up about an hour. Water intake is fine and I'm beginning to see improvements in my skin and nails. I lost another 2lb - so that's 12lb in just under a fortnight! Not bad, eh?!
They said getting back on the wagon would be harder than the first time but I didn't believe them. Boy, was I wrong! I'm about to have my 4th shake (women are only supposed to have 3) of the day - I also have had 2 tuna steaks (mmm!) and I've nibbled a bit of cheese.
I'm still debating as to whether it's better just to have some meat and veg a day honestly, rather than be secretive about it.
One of my major problems, I've discovered is that I eat to be defiant or rebel. I see this in other areas of my life too, but every time the OH goes out the street door (except to go to work in the morning, when I'm asleep), I automatically go to the fridge. It's quite a battle and the fact that he's given up smoking (and therefore doesn't go outside as much) isn't really helping. Well, it's helping, but in a very annoying way!! :o)
I've no real plans this week - there's no school for me, I've given up college on Monday and Wednesdays, and there's less study to do. I've decided to walk up the road every day to get a newspaper... well, I've talked about that already.
Right, I'm still hungry (I wonder if I'm on hungry week early again? It's probably because I nibble...) so I'm going to make a drink. I was going to have a tetra pack but I'll try bouillon first.
Okay. I'm aiming to have lost a total of at least 60lb by the end of this week (Sunday). I think that's reasonable, but hopefully it'll be a bit more!
They said getting back on the wagon would be harder than the first time but I didn't believe them. Boy, was I wrong! I'm about to have my 4th shake (women are only supposed to have 3) of the day - I also have had 2 tuna steaks (mmm!) and I've nibbled a bit of cheese.
I'm still debating as to whether it's better just to have some meat and veg a day honestly, rather than be secretive about it.
One of my major problems, I've discovered is that I eat to be defiant or rebel. I see this in other areas of my life too, but every time the OH goes out the street door (except to go to work in the morning, when I'm asleep), I automatically go to the fridge. It's quite a battle and the fact that he's given up smoking (and therefore doesn't go outside as much) isn't really helping. Well, it's helping, but in a very annoying way!! :o)
I've no real plans this week - there's no school for me, I've given up college on Monday and Wednesdays, and there's less study to do. I've decided to walk up the road every day to get a newspaper... well, I've talked about that already.
Right, I'm still hungry (I wonder if I'm on hungry week early again? It's probably because I nibble...) so I'm going to make a drink. I was going to have a tetra pack but I'll try bouillon first.
Okay. I'm aiming to have lost a total of at least 60lb by the end of this week (Sunday). I think that's reasonable, but hopefully it'll be a bit more!
Sunday 14 May 2006
Struggling
Well, I'm struggling today. Struggled yesterday too, but didn't cave. Which, of course, means I did today. Yeah, I found a little bit of frozen turkey and a piece of cod in the freezer and ate them. Didn't enjoy them though. So that was bloody pointless.
I dunno, I guess I'm just fed up because I expected to see a pound or two gone this morning - instead I saw change.
Oh well, there you go. I'm having another meal now, as I type - a hot banana tetra. Should be okay for a while. I'll have a veg bouillon and/or a coffee if it gets tough later. No real harm in having another one of each of those and a shake/tetra/soup as well if I need it - touch wood I won't! I shouldn't!
I've decided to walk up to the shops every day this week - it might not seem like a big deal, but I don't walk anywhere, and that should take me about half an hour, there and back. It's better than nothing - damn, I just remembered I'm working Tuesday daytime...
I dunno, I guess I'm just fed up because I expected to see a pound or two gone this morning - instead I saw change.
Oh well, there you go. I'm having another meal now, as I type - a hot banana tetra. Should be okay for a while. I'll have a veg bouillon and/or a coffee if it gets tough later. No real harm in having another one of each of those and a shake/tetra/soup as well if I need it - touch wood I won't! I shouldn't!
I've decided to walk up to the shops every day this week - it might not seem like a big deal, but I don't walk anywhere, and that should take me about half an hour, there and back. It's better than nothing - damn, I just remembered I'm working Tuesday daytime...
Saturday 13 May 2006
Back on Track?
I've taken some time off the diet - obviously. I've had some kind of weird illness - which hasn't completely gone away, but I'm not having anywhere near the same problems. It would start with pain in what felt like my kidneys (but in my back) and would then spread to what felt like my stomach. It was agony. I would be doubled up for hours and no position I could get in would alleviate it. Then it would go, just really suddenly I would be fine again.
I couldn't work out what was sparking it off, but it started back in November. I thought it had to be food related, so I kept a vague record of what I was eating. One time it was a digestive biscuit with blue cheese, another time I'd gorged nearly half a box of quality chocolates (oops!). Another time it was a couple of slices of toast with honey (no butter). I went to Krispy Kreme one day and had SIX donuts, and then prepared myself for pain. Nothing.
Go fig.
I started to get quite scared when it occurred to me one day that my nan died of stomach cancer and one of my uncles died of leukemia when he wasn't much older than me, and they had been treating him for an ulcer. The GP booked me in for an endoscopy, but when the appointment letter came, I wimped out. That said, I've not had the pains since before I last saw the GP, over a month ago. I kind of get ghost symptoms of it now and again, but whatever it was, I think it's working my way out of my system.
Anyway.
So with university looming and some of my pressures off right now, I figured it's the right time to get back onto Cambridge. I carried on throughout, having a shake for breakfast most days, occasionally for lunch or dinner too, but I wasn't watching what I ate at all.
I noticed I'd put on 10lb, so I thought it was time to make a concerted effort. This was a fortnight ago. It hasn't been easy, I've slipped just about every day, but only in a very minor way. I'm not pressuring myself too much, I know I'm doing really well. Every day is improving ever so slightly, eg. today I've had a v small handful of seeds. The OH has given up fags and booze, so we're really supporting each other and we're having a tough old time of it. But it'll work. It has to!
I'm happy to say that the 10lb is now officially off!
I'm going to try and post every day this week or so - although I have college, filming, work, gigs - I only really have Thursday evening off!
So, wish me luck! :o)
I couldn't work out what was sparking it off, but it started back in November. I thought it had to be food related, so I kept a vague record of what I was eating. One time it was a digestive biscuit with blue cheese, another time I'd gorged nearly half a box of quality chocolates (oops!). Another time it was a couple of slices of toast with honey (no butter). I went to Krispy Kreme one day and had SIX donuts, and then prepared myself for pain. Nothing.
Go fig.
I started to get quite scared when it occurred to me one day that my nan died of stomach cancer and one of my uncles died of leukemia when he wasn't much older than me, and they had been treating him for an ulcer. The GP booked me in for an endoscopy, but when the appointment letter came, I wimped out. That said, I've not had the pains since before I last saw the GP, over a month ago. I kind of get ghost symptoms of it now and again, but whatever it was, I think it's working my way out of my system.
Anyway.
So with university looming and some of my pressures off right now, I figured it's the right time to get back onto Cambridge. I carried on throughout, having a shake for breakfast most days, occasionally for lunch or dinner too, but I wasn't watching what I ate at all.
I noticed I'd put on 10lb, so I thought it was time to make a concerted effort. This was a fortnight ago. It hasn't been easy, I've slipped just about every day, but only in a very minor way. I'm not pressuring myself too much, I know I'm doing really well. Every day is improving ever so slightly, eg. today I've had a v small handful of seeds. The OH has given up fags and booze, so we're really supporting each other and we're having a tough old time of it. But it'll work. It has to!
I'm happy to say that the 10lb is now officially off!
I'm going to try and post every day this week or so - although I have college, filming, work, gigs - I only really have Thursday evening off!
So, wish me luck! :o)
Sunday 12 February 2006
Really Struggling
Well it's 4 months since I began this journey and I'm a stone lighter for each month. Moreorless.
I've been struggling for the last half of that and the struggle continues. I know I'll be safely secured back on the wagon at some point, but at the moment I'm still chasing it! Confident of that, I've begun to slip into older and badder ways - in particular, secretive eating. Defying the rules of healty living. Ignoring the signs and ignoring good advice.
See, those people who advertise their idiocy by saying that all fat people have to do is eat less and exercise are dumb to the fact that this is every much an addiction as drugs, cigarettes, caffeine, alcohol and nicotine. Every bit as much. All a heroin addict has to do is stop using, right? All a smoker has to do is not light up the next cigarette? Not easy is it.
The difference between these addicts and food addicts like myself is that if you never touch another cigarette, sniff up another line of coke, pour another whiskey, you will still live. Live better and longer in fact. Give up food, and you die. Simple as that. So the body will always be dealt its drug and Tescos will be just another in millions of dealers. No good to Robert Downey Jr, however strong he may be these days (and best of luck to him on that btw), if there are several dealers offering him drugs as he walks down the street, drugs lying all over the house (well I don't have food lying all around the house, but you get the comparison), people taking drugs all around him, advertising the wonderful feelings you get on heroin on radio and tv, etc etc etc, it even he would have to cave at some point.
If all I had to do was avoid food situations and never have any food accessible to me ever again, it would make this struggle a lot easier, believe you me.
Anyway. The diet itself.....
I didn't go on the weekend. It's a long story but everything in life got on top of me the night before, it all ran quite deep and I lost the will to go. That short explanation doesn't do it any justice really, it wasn't as trite as all that. What made it worse is that everything was pinned on that weekend, and although generally I'd advise against putting all of one's eggs into a single basket, if you've got a lot of eggs to carry and a really good basket, you take the risk. I feel the weekend would have been so beneficial to me in lots of ways and I honestly feel I'd be back on the wagon if I'd've, but, whatever, it's been and gone, I wasn't there, that's that.
I clung onto positivity despite breaking down, because all I can predict if I totally let go doesn't bear thinking about. I truly felt as if I wasn't so much slipping down the slope into my old ways but just struggling to get back up. I believe this is to be expected at certain points of anything like this, and figure that if I just get through it and stay focussed, I'll get there in the end.
I don't think I was deluding myself but I think I believed in this so much that I got complacent - and a little bit too cocky. At my last weigh-in I'd officially lost 2.5lb. I was expecting to put on so I was happy with that. That's when cockiness crept in. Whilst I was looking up this preverbial slope, I hadn't noticed that in fact, my feet were slipping down.
Weighing myself last night, after a trip to Krispy Kreme and this time downing only 4 donuts (and a sandwich I'd taken along as support!), I found, according to my scales, I'd put nearly 7lb back on. Luckily, this wasn't an official reading, so I'm looking at it as a warning of what could be when I weigh in a week from now. I should be more realistic, but I'm not looking at it as I've put on but that I just have to stop myself from putting on. It's twisting the truth really.
I've been quite good today - I have picked, to be honest, just before I came and updated, because it just got too much. I've done that, but didn't have any carbs, and I'm trying not to feel guilty.
Looking forward, I'm going out for 2 meals this week, one tomorrow and the other on Wednesday. I'm allowing myself these but I've got to be sensible. I'm going to a really nice pizza restuarant but I know their salads are gorgeous too, so I'll have one of those. If I've not eaten during the day I MIGHT have dessert - my OH doesn't have a sweet tooth so I might try and go without or else force him to share ;o)
Wednesday I'm going to my favourite cafe in the whole world, it's due to close down soon after being there at least 60 years (unchanged!). I've already decided to have a roast dinner, but I'll be asking for no potatoes (or I'll give them to the OH).
I have people staying on Thursday, and we are going to cook a chicken stew with dumplings. I will be bulking up on the vegetables in that particular meal! I think I'll buy individual desserts and not have anything. I might actually make one of the shakes into a mousse for myself. It's still calories I know, but at around 100cals I don't think it's a great problem.
I've no plans after that to eat out, for the foreseeable future. I will try my best to stick to shakes and soups all week other than that.
So.... I will report again for duty, same fat-time, same fat-channel, in a week's time.
I've been struggling for the last half of that and the struggle continues. I know I'll be safely secured back on the wagon at some point, but at the moment I'm still chasing it! Confident of that, I've begun to slip into older and badder ways - in particular, secretive eating. Defying the rules of healty living. Ignoring the signs and ignoring good advice.
See, those people who advertise their idiocy by saying that all fat people have to do is eat less and exercise are dumb to the fact that this is every much an addiction as drugs, cigarettes, caffeine, alcohol and nicotine. Every bit as much. All a heroin addict has to do is stop using, right? All a smoker has to do is not light up the next cigarette? Not easy is it.
The difference between these addicts and food addicts like myself is that if you never touch another cigarette, sniff up another line of coke, pour another whiskey, you will still live. Live better and longer in fact. Give up food, and you die. Simple as that. So the body will always be dealt its drug and Tescos will be just another in millions of dealers. No good to Robert Downey Jr, however strong he may be these days (and best of luck to him on that btw), if there are several dealers offering him drugs as he walks down the street, drugs lying all over the house (well I don't have food lying all around the house, but you get the comparison), people taking drugs all around him, advertising the wonderful feelings you get on heroin on radio and tv, etc etc etc, it even he would have to cave at some point.
If all I had to do was avoid food situations and never have any food accessible to me ever again, it would make this struggle a lot easier, believe you me.
Anyway. The diet itself.....
I didn't go on the weekend. It's a long story but everything in life got on top of me the night before, it all ran quite deep and I lost the will to go. That short explanation doesn't do it any justice really, it wasn't as trite as all that. What made it worse is that everything was pinned on that weekend, and although generally I'd advise against putting all of one's eggs into a single basket, if you've got a lot of eggs to carry and a really good basket, you take the risk. I feel the weekend would have been so beneficial to me in lots of ways and I honestly feel I'd be back on the wagon if I'd've, but, whatever, it's been and gone, I wasn't there, that's that.
I clung onto positivity despite breaking down, because all I can predict if I totally let go doesn't bear thinking about. I truly felt as if I wasn't so much slipping down the slope into my old ways but just struggling to get back up. I believe this is to be expected at certain points of anything like this, and figure that if I just get through it and stay focussed, I'll get there in the end.
I don't think I was deluding myself but I think I believed in this so much that I got complacent - and a little bit too cocky. At my last weigh-in I'd officially lost 2.5lb. I was expecting to put on so I was happy with that. That's when cockiness crept in. Whilst I was looking up this preverbial slope, I hadn't noticed that in fact, my feet were slipping down.
Weighing myself last night, after a trip to Krispy Kreme and this time downing only 4 donuts (and a sandwich I'd taken along as support!), I found, according to my scales, I'd put nearly 7lb back on. Luckily, this wasn't an official reading, so I'm looking at it as a warning of what could be when I weigh in a week from now. I should be more realistic, but I'm not looking at it as I've put on but that I just have to stop myself from putting on. It's twisting the truth really.
I've been quite good today - I have picked, to be honest, just before I came and updated, because it just got too much. I've done that, but didn't have any carbs, and I'm trying not to feel guilty.
Looking forward, I'm going out for 2 meals this week, one tomorrow and the other on Wednesday. I'm allowing myself these but I've got to be sensible. I'm going to a really nice pizza restuarant but I know their salads are gorgeous too, so I'll have one of those. If I've not eaten during the day I MIGHT have dessert - my OH doesn't have a sweet tooth so I might try and go without or else force him to share ;o)
Wednesday I'm going to my favourite cafe in the whole world, it's due to close down soon after being there at least 60 years (unchanged!). I've already decided to have a roast dinner, but I'll be asking for no potatoes (or I'll give them to the OH).
I have people staying on Thursday, and we are going to cook a chicken stew with dumplings. I will be bulking up on the vegetables in that particular meal! I think I'll buy individual desserts and not have anything. I might actually make one of the shakes into a mousse for myself. It's still calories I know, but at around 100cals I don't think it's a great problem.
I've no plans after that to eat out, for the foreseeable future. I will try my best to stick to shakes and soups all week other than that.
So.... I will report again for duty, same fat-time, same fat-channel, in a week's time.
Sunday 22 January 2006
One Eon Later
It feels like ages since I last posted 11 days ago (ish). A lot's happened in that time.
I came to terms with my current struggle to get back on the wagon. I have bootcamp next weekend (a group of people on the diet from a forum/website have booked some cottages and there's no food allowed. Foodpacks and fun only). It's perfectly timed because I think I'm almost mentally ready, will certainly be by Friday, and after essentially 3-4 days of doing it and hearing stories and being re-programmed motivationally, I'll have no trouble sticking to it.
I've been fairly relaxed about the diet then, keeping to my shake in the morning (because I like it, not because I've got to, which is good!!), having one or two more in the day (and trying not to cave!), grazing on chicken roll and tuna sandwich filling every now and again (2-3 times a day). Psychologically it's been a good move because I've given myself small, achieveable goals and not allowed myself to feel guilty. I know I'm not going to slip off the wagon 100% and by this time next week, I'll be just about over the hurdle.
Not that I've been an angel. I had a Baileys the other night, but I rarely drink anyway and had worked so hard last week (harder than I think I ever have) and was in kind of a stressful work situation. I knew the Baileys would calm my nerves and it did just that. I had one pub measure and that was it. I only drank water after that. Yesterday I had a bottle of beer, even rarer for me, I didn't finish it but I really enjoyed it. And today I had a couple of steaks with a few new potatoes (about 6) and loads of cabbage, with a little gravy. And a WW single cheesecake. Damn we went to Krispy Kreme too and I had 2.5 donuts. So today has been exceptional, but I feel better for it and very positive that tomorrow I'll be pretty good.
Why am I feeling positive...?
I finally decided to cut ties with my counsellor. I've been on this diet since October and she's been on holiday twice in that time, the second time for what will be a total of three months. The worst time to go too, the Christmas period. I've explained before reasons I was unhappy with her, so I won't go over old ground, but her replacement, who I think is newly qualified, has let me down too much.
I was quite ill over Christmas - I mean constantly, and I needed support re the diet in connection with it. I called and left messages that she never returned and I panicked because I was about to run out of foodpacks. The woman runs her own business from home so you can't tell me she didn't get those messages. Finally she called me back (just in the nick of time) and we arranged to meet, same day, same time. She hinted that people were coming earlier and that she didn't want to wait around for me to come later, so I didn't mind changing it to earlier. Well, I turned up, but where was she? Angry, I left another message for her and went off. I happened to drive by later and the lights in the house were on so I knocked. There she was with other clients. I thought she had no-one to wait around for? She told me we had arranged it for the next day, but that's crap, I arrange it for the day I do because I'm in that area anyway on that day. At least admit your mistake woman.
It turned out I'd put 12lb on over the Christmas period. I wasn't devastated by that though. Actually, officially I'd put on 1lb, but during the time I couldnt get hold of her myself, I bought some scales, weighed myself after Christmas and had actually lost 11lb. I probably wrote about that before.... sorry, going over old ground!
Why I got onto that was because on the way out of the house (she seemed very keen to leave and was finishing our session on the way out of the door) realised we hadn't arranged another time to see her. I'd already told her that I wanted to go fortnightly (mainly because I wanted to minimise opportunities of her letting me down) and she offered to call me on the alternating week to just see that all is well.
I am due to see her tomorrow. I haven't heard a peep from her since that night; no call came on Monday, no call to arrange a time this week.
Fuck her, why am I handing money to people too inconsiderate, disinterested and too unreliable? Losing weight is fucking hard and you need to feel that someone is supporting you - obviously no-one more importantly than yourself, but it would be good if your counsellor gave a toss.
So I went to the regular forum and put a plea out. Someone on there did her best to help me, bless her, but I mishandled it and things didn't go my way and I hope I haven't offended her, I didn't try to but she went out of her way to help me, and I moaned about this and that, so I think she might feel I'm ungrateful. I really appreciate what she did for me - recommending her counsellor and putting me in touch with her. It just didn't work out.
I panicked because, as I've learned recently, I panic when I'm not in control of situations I'm in. I don't mean I'm controlling, I just mean I need to be in control of my part of situations, upon how they effect me and I them. So I learned from it. I also believe in fate, so I think perhaps it wasn't meant to work out.
In short, I left two voicemails with her counsellor, she didn't call back, yet she had spoken to this girl in the meantime who'd mentioned me, and I felt again, well, here's another one who can't be bothered. I was also almost out of packs, stressing out because of it, and needed resolution as close to immediately as possible.
Someone else recommended the site that I have linked on this very page, to find a localish counsellor (their helpline couldn't help me because I needed to give them a full postcode - what help is that in this situation?!). Funny because I contacted the very first contact I had with this diet, explained the situation, she was absolutely lovely, and I saw her today.
She's just a 10-15 minute drive away - more than twice that of the other counsellor, but it was worth it. What I found was someone who is interested in what she's doing, she gave me loads of advice and tips, listened to what I had to say - fantastic. So now I have a fortnight's-worth of food and I feel kind of safe again (do you see the food = contentment issue here?!)
The good news is that I lost 10lb in the last 2 weeks. I suspected as much, although didn't dare hope. The scales I bought after Christmas told me that, but I never rely on those things - it only cost £3! But I've decided to weigh myself regularly on it - not to obsess about it, as I realise that weight - especially at my size - fluctuates throughout the day and the week, but as a tool to focus on what I'm doing. I hope it works out. So far so good. I told my new counsellor and she agreed it was a good tool, apparently, she says, statistics show that people who weigh themselves regularly are more successful with weight loss. So it seems my theory about the psychological aspect must be true.
I'm feeling really good, mentally. Phsyically, I've been better, but donuts, cheesecake, steak and potatoes aren't really condusive to physical well-being are they? But psychologically, we need to treat ourselves now and again, because we're worth it.
That's it - a long post this time, but you can see why!
I'm hoping to report at least a 7lb loss in two weeks' time. I'll post again next Monday at the latest, to write about bootcamp.
I came to terms with my current struggle to get back on the wagon. I have bootcamp next weekend (a group of people on the diet from a forum/website have booked some cottages and there's no food allowed. Foodpacks and fun only). It's perfectly timed because I think I'm almost mentally ready, will certainly be by Friday, and after essentially 3-4 days of doing it and hearing stories and being re-programmed motivationally, I'll have no trouble sticking to it.
I've been fairly relaxed about the diet then, keeping to my shake in the morning (because I like it, not because I've got to, which is good!!), having one or two more in the day (and trying not to cave!), grazing on chicken roll and tuna sandwich filling every now and again (2-3 times a day). Psychologically it's been a good move because I've given myself small, achieveable goals and not allowed myself to feel guilty. I know I'm not going to slip off the wagon 100% and by this time next week, I'll be just about over the hurdle.
Not that I've been an angel. I had a Baileys the other night, but I rarely drink anyway and had worked so hard last week (harder than I think I ever have) and was in kind of a stressful work situation. I knew the Baileys would calm my nerves and it did just that. I had one pub measure and that was it. I only drank water after that. Yesterday I had a bottle of beer, even rarer for me, I didn't finish it but I really enjoyed it. And today I had a couple of steaks with a few new potatoes (about 6) and loads of cabbage, with a little gravy. And a WW single cheesecake. Damn we went to Krispy Kreme too and I had 2.5 donuts. So today has been exceptional, but I feel better for it and very positive that tomorrow I'll be pretty good.
Why am I feeling positive...?
I finally decided to cut ties with my counsellor. I've been on this diet since October and she's been on holiday twice in that time, the second time for what will be a total of three months. The worst time to go too, the Christmas period. I've explained before reasons I was unhappy with her, so I won't go over old ground, but her replacement, who I think is newly qualified, has let me down too much.
I was quite ill over Christmas - I mean constantly, and I needed support re the diet in connection with it. I called and left messages that she never returned and I panicked because I was about to run out of foodpacks. The woman runs her own business from home so you can't tell me she didn't get those messages. Finally she called me back (just in the nick of time) and we arranged to meet, same day, same time. She hinted that people were coming earlier and that she didn't want to wait around for me to come later, so I didn't mind changing it to earlier. Well, I turned up, but where was she? Angry, I left another message for her and went off. I happened to drive by later and the lights in the house were on so I knocked. There she was with other clients. I thought she had no-one to wait around for? She told me we had arranged it for the next day, but that's crap, I arrange it for the day I do because I'm in that area anyway on that day. At least admit your mistake woman.
It turned out I'd put 12lb on over the Christmas period. I wasn't devastated by that though. Actually, officially I'd put on 1lb, but during the time I couldnt get hold of her myself, I bought some scales, weighed myself after Christmas and had actually lost 11lb. I probably wrote about that before.... sorry, going over old ground!
Why I got onto that was because on the way out of the house (she seemed very keen to leave and was finishing our session on the way out of the door) realised we hadn't arranged another time to see her. I'd already told her that I wanted to go fortnightly (mainly because I wanted to minimise opportunities of her letting me down) and she offered to call me on the alternating week to just see that all is well.
I am due to see her tomorrow. I haven't heard a peep from her since that night; no call came on Monday, no call to arrange a time this week.
Fuck her, why am I handing money to people too inconsiderate, disinterested and too unreliable? Losing weight is fucking hard and you need to feel that someone is supporting you - obviously no-one more importantly than yourself, but it would be good if your counsellor gave a toss.
So I went to the regular forum and put a plea out. Someone on there did her best to help me, bless her, but I mishandled it and things didn't go my way and I hope I haven't offended her, I didn't try to but she went out of her way to help me, and I moaned about this and that, so I think she might feel I'm ungrateful. I really appreciate what she did for me - recommending her counsellor and putting me in touch with her. It just didn't work out.
I panicked because, as I've learned recently, I panic when I'm not in control of situations I'm in. I don't mean I'm controlling, I just mean I need to be in control of my part of situations, upon how they effect me and I them. So I learned from it. I also believe in fate, so I think perhaps it wasn't meant to work out.
In short, I left two voicemails with her counsellor, she didn't call back, yet she had spoken to this girl in the meantime who'd mentioned me, and I felt again, well, here's another one who can't be bothered. I was also almost out of packs, stressing out because of it, and needed resolution as close to immediately as possible.
Someone else recommended the site that I have linked on this very page, to find a localish counsellor (their helpline couldn't help me because I needed to give them a full postcode - what help is that in this situation?!). Funny because I contacted the very first contact I had with this diet, explained the situation, she was absolutely lovely, and I saw her today.
She's just a 10-15 minute drive away - more than twice that of the other counsellor, but it was worth it. What I found was someone who is interested in what she's doing, she gave me loads of advice and tips, listened to what I had to say - fantastic. So now I have a fortnight's-worth of food and I feel kind of safe again (do you see the food = contentment issue here?!)
The good news is that I lost 10lb in the last 2 weeks. I suspected as much, although didn't dare hope. The scales I bought after Christmas told me that, but I never rely on those things - it only cost £3! But I've decided to weigh myself regularly on it - not to obsess about it, as I realise that weight - especially at my size - fluctuates throughout the day and the week, but as a tool to focus on what I'm doing. I hope it works out. So far so good. I told my new counsellor and she agreed it was a good tool, apparently, she says, statistics show that people who weigh themselves regularly are more successful with weight loss. So it seems my theory about the psychological aspect must be true.
I'm feeling really good, mentally. Phsyically, I've been better, but donuts, cheesecake, steak and potatoes aren't really condusive to physical well-being are they? But psychologically, we need to treat ourselves now and again, because we're worth it.
That's it - a long post this time, but you can see why!
I'm hoping to report at least a 7lb loss in two weeks' time. I'll post again next Monday at the latest, to write about bootcamp.
Tuesday 10 January 2006
The Weight Goes On
Sigh. Well it's been a tough few weeks.
It all started with bloody Add A Meal and these pains (which I'll be talking to the GP about next Monday) when I do eat.....sometimes. Had it really bad over Christmas, but it seemed to clear up late on Boxing Day.
Of course, the day after I get a stomach bug, and NOTHING stays in my stomach long. I'll spare you the details but put it this way, the Cambridge Diet was off limits and so was even drinking water.
I suffered, but I lost something like 11lb.
Since then things have been bad! Theoretically it would have been a good time to get back on the wagon with this, but the GP said to have normal but bland food. When I finally realised I was okay, there was just too much temptation around. I mean, if you put a recovering alcoholic in the middle of a party where there's free booze, it's a tough challenge to stay sober. So goes it with the food addict. A recovering food addict should not, under any circumstances, ever go to Krispy Kreme doughnuts. SEVEN of them managed to find their way into my mouth. I was frenzied. Okay that's an exaggeration but did find it hard to stop.
I seem to have been on a very slippery slope since that happened on Saturday. Sunday and Monday have been spent trying to be good - but there were bix and chox in the staffroom at school today (normally I can ignore them) and then I really wanted a Snickers before being good tomorrow.
One day at a time at the moment then. I think that a few days of being as good as I was when I started should sort it.
Definitely changing C's as I've had so much trouble getting hold of anyone, it's ridiculous. My C is away until Feb, and the replacement never seems to return my calls and didn't even turn up today (I drove by after college and she was there then). Whatever. I've changed to fortnightly meetings instead of weekly so at least I only have to worry about it every two weeks.
According to her, it's 1lb on, but as it's the first time I've seen her since before Christmas, I've actually lost 11lb and put on 12lb!!!
So it's time to get back into it. I don't want to see any more 'ons'. I know this diet works, it's piss-easy, it's just the first few days that is hard. I need to get the same motivation I had 3 months ago when I started, 3stone ago.
Wish me luck...
It all started with bloody Add A Meal and these pains (which I'll be talking to the GP about next Monday) when I do eat.....sometimes. Had it really bad over Christmas, but it seemed to clear up late on Boxing Day.
Of course, the day after I get a stomach bug, and NOTHING stays in my stomach long. I'll spare you the details but put it this way, the Cambridge Diet was off limits and so was even drinking water.
I suffered, but I lost something like 11lb.
Since then things have been bad! Theoretically it would have been a good time to get back on the wagon with this, but the GP said to have normal but bland food. When I finally realised I was okay, there was just too much temptation around. I mean, if you put a recovering alcoholic in the middle of a party where there's free booze, it's a tough challenge to stay sober. So goes it with the food addict. A recovering food addict should not, under any circumstances, ever go to Krispy Kreme doughnuts. SEVEN of them managed to find their way into my mouth. I was frenzied. Okay that's an exaggeration but did find it hard to stop.
I seem to have been on a very slippery slope since that happened on Saturday. Sunday and Monday have been spent trying to be good - but there were bix and chox in the staffroom at school today (normally I can ignore them) and then I really wanted a Snickers before being good tomorrow.
One day at a time at the moment then. I think that a few days of being as good as I was when I started should sort it.
Definitely changing C's as I've had so much trouble getting hold of anyone, it's ridiculous. My C is away until Feb, and the replacement never seems to return my calls and didn't even turn up today (I drove by after college and she was there then). Whatever. I've changed to fortnightly meetings instead of weekly so at least I only have to worry about it every two weeks.
According to her, it's 1lb on, but as it's the first time I've seen her since before Christmas, I've actually lost 11lb and put on 12lb!!!
So it's time to get back into it. I don't want to see any more 'ons'. I know this diet works, it's piss-easy, it's just the first few days that is hard. I need to get the same motivation I had 3 months ago when I started, 3stone ago.
Wish me luck...
Tuesday 3 January 2006
New Counsellor?
Fed up.
I had to weigh myself as my Counsellor is on holiday (second time since November) until February. Her stand-in, who is training up to be a Counsellor, has been really hard to get hold of, I've left her a couple of messages as I couldn't go to our pre-arranged appointment last week and she hasn't bothered ringing to see how I am or simply return my calls.
Not good.
Fortunately I've eaten so little the last week and have been off the packs due to my stomach bug that I have enough packs to see me through about a week and a half, and I'm going to find another Counsellor in the meantime. I'm giving her until the end of tomorrow to get in contact with me, although my mind is already made up.
There's a good one, I'm told, about 10-15 drive away, so if I go once a fortnight that should be okay. I'll give her a ring on Wednesday.
So, yes, I bought some scales (they were only cheap) and according to those I've lost 11lb. I've rechecked it a couple of times and it still likes 11lb, so I'll take it as read for now.
I'm going back onto Sole Source tomorrow - I haven't gone barmy with food, although I did have a big roast pheasant dinner today that I should have had on Boxing Day. I had the dessert (Christmas pud and Tia Maria cream) yesterday - didn't eat too much of that and I didn't react too well to it anyway!!
Apart from that haven't eaten that much, I haven't really been in the mood for it. I had two (english) muffins with a bit of egg mayonnaise, but I really had to force it down and didn't feel too good after. GP warned that stomach still might be a bit delicate for a few days. Had some Diet Coke but am not as keen on it as I used to be! So, not over the top.
Am looking forward to a fresh start tomorrow and going back to shakes and soups!
I had to weigh myself as my Counsellor is on holiday (second time since November) until February. Her stand-in, who is training up to be a Counsellor, has been really hard to get hold of, I've left her a couple of messages as I couldn't go to our pre-arranged appointment last week and she hasn't bothered ringing to see how I am or simply return my calls.
Not good.
Fortunately I've eaten so little the last week and have been off the packs due to my stomach bug that I have enough packs to see me through about a week and a half, and I'm going to find another Counsellor in the meantime. I'm giving her until the end of tomorrow to get in contact with me, although my mind is already made up.
There's a good one, I'm told, about 10-15 drive away, so if I go once a fortnight that should be okay. I'll give her a ring on Wednesday.
So, yes, I bought some scales (they were only cheap) and according to those I've lost 11lb. I've rechecked it a couple of times and it still likes 11lb, so I'll take it as read for now.
I'm going back onto Sole Source tomorrow - I haven't gone barmy with food, although I did have a big roast pheasant dinner today that I should have had on Boxing Day. I had the dessert (Christmas pud and Tia Maria cream) yesterday - didn't eat too much of that and I didn't react too well to it anyway!!
Apart from that haven't eaten that much, I haven't really been in the mood for it. I had two (english) muffins with a bit of egg mayonnaise, but I really had to force it down and didn't feel too good after. GP warned that stomach still might be a bit delicate for a few days. Had some Diet Coke but am not as keen on it as I used to be! So, not over the top.
Am looking forward to a fresh start tomorrow and going back to shakes and soups!
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