Swings and Roundabouts... and Slides

So... we are almost a year on!

My GP (or, rather, the diabetes nurse there) referred me to WeightWatchers, for the 12-week NHS referral programme in Febuary 2012, which basically means you do those weeks free.

I was coming to the end of it and losing heart a bit; I didn't really engage with the leaders (I say that as they've had a high turnover at that particular meeting), so figured on giving up at the end of it.  I couldn't really afford to keep doing it anyway, although, bless him, the other half did pay for their online support, "e-source" for me, which helped a bit.

I got talking to one of the leaders when I was coming to the end of it, as I know from past experience that if you help out ("clerk") at the meetings, you get to do it for free, and, at their discretion, get e-source for free as well.  So I told her I'd helped out in the past, and that it helped motivate me, and I really needed this, etc, and lo and behold, a couple of weeks later, there I was weighing people and giving them the good/bad news.

Well she left shortly after, and along came another leader.  A few months later, she went off and we have another now, who promises to stay (although they all do that....!).  Actually the meeting is in jeopardy at the moment (and there's a new class there on another day as well, also in jeopardy), as numbers are low and the venue is on the expensive side (it's in a hotel). 

So what you will have got from that is that I'm still attending WW - would have given up ages ago, probably, if not for the fact that I help out - and the other half, at the end, packing away.  Between the pair of us, we've been able to organise and simplify the storage we have there, and streamline the setting up/putting away time to the extent that people only need to worry about what they need and concentrate on that.  I help out at both meetings (I mainly work the shop on the other one) and really enjoy it.  It gets me out of the house, gives me something to do and keeps me motivated.

That said, for a few months I wasn't concentrating on it and my weightloss stalled.  What I had lost I was beginning to regain.  I was losing the will again.  But I got talking to someone who had been 30st, and got down to 19st on her own before joining WW.  She is now around 16st so she has done a fantastic job and is such an inspiration.  I discovered how much she had been on the same day I'd been to my GP about depression and was (and am) on a course of tablets for that.  I'm on a much higher dose of levothyroxine now than I was last time I wrote, and although I think it might be the right level, there is still much controversy over how hypothyroidism is treated, but I won't go into that now.  This doctor was saying that she thought it was time to consider bariatric surgery, and, for the first time, I actually thought seriously about it.  I know it's not an easy route, so those who believe it to be an "easy" way out, I don't believe so at all, I actually think it's a quicker way, but certainly a more difficult way.  This is major surgery that takes a lifelong commitment, that could have complications, you may need repeat surgery and, at the end of all that, it might not even work.  The long-term complications are not yet known, so easy answer?  No.  I was also stressed out that this latest leader had bluntly said to me, "you can't keep helping out if you're putting on weight".  Not very helpful, and I still haven't forgiven her for that.  My life is that sad at the moment that helping at WW is really all I have in life, and she was about to rip it away from me, without trying to help me back on track.  And I had put on the those two weeks because I was due on, and can put on up to 10lb temporarily - it all catches up afterwards, but that wasn't good enough....

So... that conversation about Ms. Was-Thirty-Stone made me realise that if she could do it, I could do it - and the most I ever got to was 23st.  So far, it seems to have worked.  That was about 8 weeks ago.  Since then I've lost 21lb. 

I forced myself to use the WiiFit Plus 2-3 times a week.  It works for me because there's both an entertainment and challenge factor to it, and I usually exceed at what I'm aiming for in a session.  The bad news is that the disk can't be read now, so I can't do it until I can get myself a replacement disk.  I really miss it!

I had lost access to esource with the intermediary leader, as she wasn't keen on letting me have it (not that it costs her anything...) for some reason.  I nagged our current leader into it, and, finally, the week after, gained free access again.  So I began to use it.

I get a lot of aches and pains, partially due to the hypothryoidism I think, partly weight, and it was beginning to effect my sleep at night, so the doctor gave me co-dydromol and diazepam to help.  Great painkillers, but I got constipation with it, so badly, and already being a victim to 'roids I couldn't/became frightened to poo.  Sounds like a jokey subject but I was in so much pain I would be in tears for hours - only the diazepam helped.  This was over Easter, and I'm still not mentally over it yet.  However, as I was too frightened to eat, and even then, eat solid food, for several days, on and off, I had very little to eat.  When I HAD to have something I had chicken bovril, or passata with a very small amount of broken pasta, ice lollies, and moved onto mash and gravy, or fish and mushy peas.  So that's been my main source of eating over the last couple of weeks or so!

One thing this helped me realise is how much of a picker I am and that I don't need as much food as I think I do.  I feel like a shift has happened (and I'm not referring to the bowels here....!), and I want to make sure I don't lose that.

As for the 'roids, I have to make sure I stay hydrated (never a bad idea, and it gets worse at PMS time), have the senna to hand and not strain or put off going.  Not being able to empty your bowels is such a horrible feeling....

Anyway....  current weight loss as of Wednesday (official weigh-in day is Monday though), I was 19st 7.5lb (that's 282.5lb or 123.6kg).  I started WW at 22st 6lb (314lb/142.43kg), so loss stands at 2st 12.5lb (40.5lb/18.38kg).

Weird thing is that I haven't gone down in dress size (maybe more exercise needed I guess) but I am beginning to feel it now, and people have started to say they're noticing it.  It took me this much to lose though!  Makes me realise how far I have to go.

But I'm going.

Onwards and Downwards

Well, here we are, some four months later, and, in a way, things are looking better.

I suspect I've been hypothyroid for years, having researched the symptoms a bit.  There is a lot to learn and I'm only just beginning to get to grips with it.  Whether my ill-functioning thyroid is down to my food addiction or vice versa, it's difficult to properly ascertain - as I won't deny my love of food or psychological problems with it either....   Any way you look at it, the symptoms have been increasing over the last 15 years and is a massive relief, in the sense that all the fatigue, constant colds and allergies, aches and pains and an encyclopedia of other symptoms are now attributable to it, and not to me being a drama queen, hypochrondriac, emotional wreck, or developing some other sinister condition.  Not that the acknowledgement of it in itself has solved these problems, I am struggling to find the right medication at the moment (and I do suspect it could be Hashimoto's), but there is huge relief nonetheless.  I have found great support in actress Gena Lee Nolin's charity, Thyroid Sexy, as well (via Facebook); they are a wealth of knowledge and in getting awareness out there, so if you suspect you might have thyroid problems (and you might not, I wasn't), then check them out.

I think I have a good GP, and she's on the ball with my diabetes too.  I was a bit dubious about having my meds doubled a few weeks ago, but it's all going well, and I do believe that at least one of my meds has knocked my appetite out of its usual unsatiability (I'm sure that's not a word!) as well.  I have to remind myself to eat most of the time.  Although I'm experiencing a LOT of fatigue at the moment (due to the thyroid probably), I don't feel the need to get energy fixes with refined sugar.  I feel that my appetite is normal now.  I joined Weight Watchers around the time of my last post, with the help of the NHS referral scheme, and have lost 25lb pretty effortlessly.  I've been watching portion control and finding that despite the weirdly small-looking portions (compared to what I've been eating the last million years), the amount is enough, and if I'm hungry, I know I can bulk it out with veg.  I've rediscovered fruit, and love the fresh taste of apples, satsumas and melons.  I've learned that, yes, okay, I do have a sweet tooth, but I'm able to indulge myself a little bit every day, and I'm more forgiving during times of PMS.  Refined sugars aren't ideal, of course, but one thing at a time....!

In the last couple of years, well, up to about a year ago, I started frequenting an all-you-can-eat Chinese place.  Every time we'd go, we'd fill up on really cheap, good food - and when I say "fill up", I mean to the point of bursting, and not being able to breathe properly and needing to lie down.  Eventually it dawned on me, I don't like feeling like this - what is the point of stuffing yourself beyond being satisfied?  To get my money's worth?  Surely being full is getting my money's worth!  We stopped going (moving about 15 miles away helped!), but on the odd occasion when we do go to an all-you-can-eat, I remind myself that I don't want to walk home with an uncomfortably full stomach.  I hate that feeling.  I still struggle a little, I mean, I do like my food, but I'm getting there, and that's good enough for now.

Abstinence is not an Option... I think...

Well we are almost 3 years on.  I am roughly the same weight and my health has paid the price.

I was diagnosed as diabetic in April 2011, and just recently was given a cholesterol level of a whopping 7, and was informed that I am one of those mythical people who have an under-active thyroid.  I am pretty sure I am at an early stage of having heart problems too, as my previous GP was beginning to investigate, and I believe he was heading in the direction of giving me "the op".  Now... I'm having second thoughts.  Yes I'm scared of having an operation.  But I'm scared of having a stroke.  Scared of a having a heart attack.  Scared of dying too young.  I may die on the operating table, but hopefully I won't know about it.  It's something I'd agree to now.

For the first year or so I was adamant that I didn't want to go this route.  I'd investigated it a bit and am terrified of having an operation, so it was a firm "no thanks".  To go through life-risking surgery and completely messing about with my body - that doesn't necessarily fix the problem anyway.  For me, at least, my own obesity is an emotional thing.  It's an addiction in exactly the same way as alcoholism and drug dependency, etc.  Except, with the food addict - we are constantly bombarded with adverts on our 'drug of choice'.  Even as I type, the BBC are showing a programme on various ways to prepare this drug to enjoy it to its fullest.  I get bombarded with coupons in a variety of media formats and I only have to step outside the door to find my dealers, on virtually every main street, 24 hours a day.  And it's legal.  Abstinence is a great tool, but when you need this particular 'drug' to live.... abstinence is not an option.

So... my body rattles with pills.

I have a new GP as I've moved to a different area.  They seem like a really friendly, helpful, caring and pro-active practice - so I know I have good support there.  Ultimately, it is up to me now.  When I first embarked on the whole weight-loss process, way back in the 1980s, when I was about 18, I weighed 13st (182lb).  I've never been that weight since.  My motivation then was to look good and wear the clothes I wanted to.  Ten years later, then up to 19st (252lb), my motivation was the same, but with the addition of pushing 30 and wanting to get a man, a family - the whole picture - and more work (I worked in an industry where how you look effects how much and what type of work you get).  I did well and lost 56lb.

Well, life got in the way.  I had a very demanding job and I got a man - although the family never happened.  The weight I'd lost back at the turn of the century had come back with a vengeance.  At my heaviest I was a little under 23st (322lb).  That would have been around the time I started this blog - if anyone cared enough to keep up!

My motivation now is simply that I want to look.  Clothes, I don't care about really.  I was never really a natty dresser, I have simple tastes in clothes really - although I adore the 30s-50s style.  Women dressed beautifully in that period.  I think now, at 43, I'm really too old to embark upon parenthood.  Clearly my other half isn't bothered about my size, as I was 17st when I met him and he's still fairly eager.  We're getting married in December.

Well anyway.... the GP has referred me to Weight Watchers, and I begin on Monday.  It's the diet treadmill again.  But what choice have I?  It's got to be better than continuing to abuse my body and force-feed myself like a fois gras goose.

Anyway.  Must stop now.  I'm hungry.

A Bit of a Rant

Well I'm about as big as I was two years ago, when I last updated!

To cut a long story short; the diet was fine but it really aggravated my silent gallstones (not so silent now), so basically I can't do it.

Then I discovered I had intolerances to wheat, egg white and cow's milk. These didn't stop me from doing the diet per se but it shifted my priorities a bit.

Then I found out that coeliac disease runs in my family, so I've had all the tests for that (still waiting for final confirmation but the results of my biopsy seem to have been mislaid...). I actually now do not think I have coeliac disease, which is a blessing, but I am convinced of the wheat, egg and milk protein problems.

The pain I was experiencing was mostly down to duodenitis (now diagnosed) which has been aggravated possibly by the wheat/dairy intolerances, but certainly due to the stress of being at university and approaching the big 4-0. And while we are talking stress, I have also been diagnosed as suffering from depression.

All these things have been huge hurdles the last couple of years, so it is difficult to put weight loss at the top of the list. Ultimately they are not excuses for lack of continuation or success, but you cannot argue, they are hurdles!

I've probably said before, that obesity (and certainly in my case) is an ADDICTION. Physically and psychologically. The same as narcotics, caffeine, nicotine, alcohol.... whatever. A human being can survive perfectly healthy without ever putting these things in their bodies. And yet all of them are addictions that are notoriously hard to overcome. Food, on the other hand, is something that we would DIE without. Die painfully too.

Our culture is swamped with food and eating. For me, there are several 'dealers' on any high street or main road. 24-7! There are television channels devoted to my 'drug'. Books, magazines, commercials, billboards. Social events, must-haves, smells, temptation, rebellion.

Why must fat people be persecuted for their addiction?

Anyway. This is not intended to be a soapbox blog, although I do have one for that!

When I started on the diet treadmill, I was 18 and I weighed 13 stone. I am now 40 and I weigh almost 21 stone. In 22 years of on-off dieting I have GAINED 8 stone. I've done just about all the diets out there. If they worked I wouldn't be 8 stone heavier than when I started (and I've lost a bit!).

It's not enough to say "consume more than you use". Theoretically it is that simple, but when you add real life and psychology....! I don't smoke (I used to 'social-smoke' until about 10 years ago), I've never taken drugs (okay, a few spliffs a few years back, but they give me the munchies so I stopped), I rarely drink (I don't like feeling drunk these days). I do drink caffeine now and again, on average about 3 times a fortnight, usually nothing. I worked out that these things were not good for me. So I stopped. Very, very easily. No problem at all. I just decided I didn't want to do them any more (or I just wanted to on rare occasions), and I've never over-indulged since. EVER.

Yet I know so many people who drink waaaaaaay too much, way too often. All but one of the smokers I know wants to pack it in and have usually tried several times. I know several people who cannot function if they go for so long without a caffeine kick. And drugs, well, I know some who only beat it by overdosing and killing themselves.

What makes a fat person struggling to lose weight so bad when you weigh it up (pun unintended) with other addicts?

I am not making these as excuses, as I could still lose weight knowing these things. And believe me, after 22 years, I know the difference!

With another year of university ahead of me, and concerns about what will happen after, and still struggling with depression and health problems, dieting is not top of my list. Losing weight will help a lot though, I realise this, so I've decided not to calorie count or do fad diets for the time being. I think I will still list my food intake here and general thoughts as it will be therapeutic.

For now I'm enoying making stews/casseroles and salads, but eating the 'naughty' things when I want. I'm not overdoing it (I think) and I often resist temptation. As I've said, I've lost a little bit, slowly, and my aim is to lose 1lb a week. And if I don't I'm not going to pressure myself.

I have enough of that already.

Failure and Success

Okay.... it's been about two weeks.

I've only lost 3lb! Ultimately I figure, well, 3lb off is 3lb off, so I'm glad for that. It might have been at least that on otherwise!

I had a few setbacks over the last fortnight. The main one was realising, after enjoying the diet for about 4 days, that my kitchen scales were well out and I was having bigger portions than I should have been having. As well as having a few extra bites here and there!

A couple of days later I was able to get another set of kitchen scales, digital ones this time, so there'll be no not noticing that it's gone over a little bit either! I went and did my shopping on Friday, and as much as I can weigh out and cook and freeze beforehand has been done. With the cuts of meat I have often still gone over by literally a few grams, because to get it absolutely exact would have meant cutting little slivers of meat off, and that's just dumb. I have gone under once or twice too! Any tips on getting it exact would be appreciated, but I don't see how I can do it on the nose!

Wednesday was a niece's birthday and I anticipated being 'naughty' (I'm trying to stop using that word), so I just had a couple of shakes during the day. Sure enough I did eat, and of course it's all stuff I shouldn't be eating! Give me a break though, I also had the dentist's beforehand and I HATE going to the dentist's!

Another thing that threw me off was losing my book with the plan and recipes in. Fortunately, I wrote the plan here, so that was helpful, but I didn't have the recipes and that really put me off - that said, some kind person from the CD forum scanned and sent me a copy of the recipes, bless her, but the idea of coming backwards and forwards to the PC was honestly a put-off, call me lazy! That said, it did inspire me to do all that preparation in one go the other night, so...

Saw my counsellor yesterday and got another book, and she also suggested having an extra couple of fruits a day, as I've been really hungry. I have to attend a luncheon next Monday as well so we discussed that; she just said to make the most sensible choice, which is all I can do. I will try and have a shake just before I go, and a lot of water as well so I won't be so hungry. I have a feeling it's a sit-down do and not people walking around with canapes. Mind you, if it's food from the ref (at the university I go to), then perhaps I won't be too tempted!

So I think I have good reasons this time for not being as successful as I would have liked. Sure, I would like to be on SS now, I am kind of an all-or-nothing girl, so doing 1000kcal is hard for me that way, it's a compromise. The idea is that I do Step B for a couple of weeks, then move up to Step A, then do 790kcal for a week and then do SS. I have to try something different as I've tried SS for about 4 times and always stumbled on the fourth day. My counsellor gave me a sheet by someone who had stumbled a lot but got there in the end and this is what she recommended after finding out the hard way! So I'll follow this, although there is a part of me that thinks we only really learn things by doing them the hard way.

So, looking back, I'm disappointed that it's only 3lb, I was hoping for something closer to 10lb, but, it's done and there's nothing I can do. I understand why it happened, some of those things I was not in control of and I was a lot more disciplined than I could have been and I'm proud of that much. I have really tried to eat more fruit, despite the sugar cravings (never had those before!). I've been trying on and off with the water, it's ridiculous, I've been really thirsty for the last 12 hours and not drunk a thing. I woke in the night thinking my lips were going to crack open and still I didn't get a drink!

Right, that's it - you can ignore the next bit because I'm just going to put the recipes here - just in case!!

Pasta - 60g pasta (dry), 225g chopped tinned tom, half onion, clove garlic, 25g olives, 100g chick peas, mixed herbs, 80g green beans.

Cook pasta. In another pan heat other ingrediants, adding the beans last.

Steak & Stout Casserole (4 portions) 600g stewing beef, 1tbsp flour, 1 onion, 3 carrots, can stout, 3tbsp puree, 1tbsp Worcestershire, 250g mush.

Coat the meat with the flour, put everything in pot except mushrooms (much later). Oven 105 mins - slow cooker, don't know, ages! Serve with green veg and 120g new pots (or put them in the pot as well, like I did - 4x120=480).

Pork 50g couscous, 100ml boiling water, 100g pork loin, oil spray, orange, 2 mush, 1dstsp wine/cider vinegar, 1tsp cornflour & 100ml water, parsley.

Put pork on the grill and add boiling water to couscous. The sauce can be frozen... half an orange juiced with all the bits into pan with chopped mush. When it boils at the vinegar and cornflour. Stir and add. Add parsley to couscous.

Salmon couscous (as above; 50g with 100ml water), 1tbsp chives, 100g salmon fillet, heaped tbsp vlf plain yogurt/fromage frais, chopped mint leaves (added to the yogurt), carrot, 8cm cucumber.

Fish bake 150g white fish fillet, slice onion, 1 sundried tom (sliced), 6 cherry toms (halved), courgette (chopped) 160g new pots, 1tsp olive oil, 80g petit pois.

Cover (with foil) and put fish (with onion, courgette, all toms) in oven 180C for 25min. Put pots on to cook. Uncover fish and cook for 5-10min. Cook peas. Gently mash pots with oil. Serve it all together.

Turkey 80g turkey breast cut into chunks, clove garlic (crushed), half lemon or lime, black pepper, 4 cherry toms, half corncob, 45g rice, half a red/yellow pepper, parsley.

Cover turkey with pepper, lemon/lime and garlic. Cover and chill for 20min min. Cook rice. Cook corn. Grill turkey with peppers and toms. Add parsley to cooked rice.

Another Day, Another Wagon

Well everything was okay until, funnily enough, later on on the last day I blogged. I wasn't even hungry. The temptation was there and so was the risk of being caught (aka the challenge). So I went a bit bonkers on anything that contained chocolate or sugar or, preferably, both!!

By Friday I'd calmed down a little and figured that if I was going to come of it for a few days that I wouldn't go too far over the top. I don't think I did, but obviously, I was no angel either.

Saw the counsellor yesterday and my official new starting weigh-in was 263.5lb (18st 11.5lb). Overall, since before going on holiday way back in September, I've put on about a stone and a half - although to be fair, I think I lost a little of that on my own last week, as I was around 19st 4lb I reckon.

I've been convinced to do the 1000cal a day plan, just to see how that goes. That first day was today and it's gone quite well, I don't feel like I'm dieting at all. I didn't follow the plan precisely, as I don't see the point of wasting the food I have available in the house, so there will be some sensible substitutions and, erm, additions.

Basically the choices I have for breakfast, along with a foodpack, are:

Sugar-free muesli and milk
2x Shredded Wheat and milk
Porridge with milk and water
Boiled egg with one small slice of granary bread & low fat spread
150cal of fruit

I had some Weetabix left over so I had two of those with granulated sweetener and (not enough) milk. I'm supposed to have half a pint a day but I hate the stuff! I'll have the same tomorrow and try to have more milk.

Lunch was another foodpack (I had the new Broccoli & Cheese.... wasn't mad on it, but I'm not that keen on the soups anyway - I will experiment next time). You have to have a bowl of green salad with that (radishes okay, but everything else has to be green!). I had some pepper and balsamic vinegar with that, as I would be put off if it was too dry. I will wean myself off later.

For dinner there are a choice of recipes they give you:

Brochette of Turkey with corn on the cob, green veg and brown rice
Meditteranean Fish Bake with potatoes and peas
Steak & Stout Casserole with potatoes and green veg
Penne Pasta with tomatoes, olives, chick peas and green beans
Salmon with mint yoghurt dressing and chive couscous
Grilled Pork with orange and mushroom sauce, herbed couscous and green veg

I had the grilled pork today - it was easy enough to make (esp the couscous!) and all together took about 10 minutes. The portion size was enough, to be honest, you get a lot of couscous to the gramme! Someone on the CD forum said that she gave up this programme because of the small portion sizes, but if they're all like this I should be fine.

You're meant to follow dinner up with 50cal of fruit - I'll have a peach in a little while, that's about 50. If I'm still hungry I'll have another shake.

I really need to watch my water intake - I've drunk none at all so far today and it's 8.30pm! All I've had is half a glass of Diet Coke and that was only because I had a gallstone attack and wanted to try and make myself burp.

So Day One is almost in the can, no sign of a second gallstone attack yet (give it half an hour and I might change my mind...). Tomorrow I need to do some shopping and I will be out most of the day, so I'll have to take a bar, bottle of water, and salad with me.

Wish me luck!

Back in the Saddle

It's been such a long time!!

I came off the diet as I was getting lots of stomach and back pains again and came into some money, which allowed me to book a couple of holidays (New York and Tunisia, I wanted to eat what I wanted plus doing CD would have been nigh on impossible). The back pains are about to be formerly diagnosed as gallstones. Scary because it may mean an operation.

I managed four days in August before caving; stupidly because I was just being cocky rather than trying to brave it.

Got back from Tunisia on Sunday and started the diet Monday. I'll update properly again on Friday when I get weighed.

I'm on day three now and going through the usual cravings but trying to keep them at bay by whatever means necessary. Being unable to do the belt up on the plane and having to ask for an extender helps keep me motivated. I ate so much on holiday (all-inclusive!) that I'm fed up with it anyway and I've been itching to start for the last three weeks or so.

Will update in a couple of days.

Blog in Brief

Sorry, I've left it too late in the day to blog properly, so I'll try and keep this short.

Not doing brilliantly, am on hungry week - but trying just to stick to no-carb or lo-carb stuff. Fine except today I had about 10 McDonald's fries and 2x small mouthfuls of Yorkie McFlurry.

Mike's words on his blog, "do i want to eat, or do i want to be slim" is starting to become a mantra, and despite my caving in at times, has actually helped.

I'm being weighed officially tomorrow, and I am certain that I will have put on since Saturday. Oh well, that's the price you pay!

I've made some more jelly, I've got the recipe nailed now - 4x leaf gelatine, 500ml water and a couple of drops of food colouring. It's gorgeous with a mousse and will become a life-saver at times.

I expanded on that thought and made a litre's worth of water with water flavouring a tiny bit of colouring and lots of ice all whizzed up in the blender. I'd drunk it within the hour (all it needed was a splash of schnapps or vodka!!)

So I'll be back tomorrow with the bad news, I'm fighting feeling bad about it because it's done now, it's all part of the addiction, and I could have been worse.

Swings and Roundabouts

Well Tuesday morning was all well and good until I got cocky! I had some trout, tuna and something else fishy that day and ended up 4lb heavier the next morning!!

I had a pound of minced beef the next day!

Okay, time to admit that I am on hungry week and just make do with it. This apparently means that women need an extra 500 cals a day, which is why we all go mad for chocolate in certain times of the month!! :o) Not that that's an excuse, I have well over 500lbs of calories in the bank! In fat terms I'm a millionaire! Okay, not quite, and I digress.

I found out on the CD forum about a perfectly legal jelly made with water, gelatine and CD water flavouring. Batch one tasted okay, although was a bit wibbly and unappealing to the eye. Next batch I used leaf gelatine and a couple of drops of yellow food colouring. Heaps better but still too wibbly. Batch 3 is wibbly too, so I'll just add another leaf of gelatine next time. I stuck it in the freezer for about half an hour which, and let's face it, these are desperate times - helped! I made a chocolate mousse to go with it and not only was it filling but DIVOON!!!!

A pile of choc Angel Delight and orange Jelly?!?!?! Are you SURE?!?!?! Now every meal can be Sunday teatime when I was a kid. And I've got it all to myself. Fantastic.

So I lost the 4lb I put on and another 2 on top of that since then, so in effect I've lost 2lb since Tuesday, ah, I'm not complaining. I haven't been this weight for about 5 years, and it's going in the right direction, so it's all good.

Finally a little note to Mike, if he comes here again, I saw you splashed all over the Daily Mail today!! Very proud of you and hope to be following in your footsteps man!! Thanks for your message as well, it was short and sweet but the timing was perfect!!

Right, that's your lot for today (it's getting to that time of day when I'm struggling and I've no chocolate packs until Monday!!!).

Woohoo!!

I only got up about half an hour ago, so I've nothing to write about today yet - except I'm so excited that I lost another 2lb that I couldn't wait to write it up!

This means I've beaten my second mini-goal - I'm not just back to where I was when I gave up before, but I'm 2.5lb less!!

Good news as well that on the wonderful Cambridge Dieters site, I found out about a recipe for jelly that I am totally allowed to use!

That is going to be a real lifesaver - I made some last night. The colour isn't very appealing so I'm going to try a couple of drops of food colouring next time. I have a small feeling it might be too sweet for me, but who cares? I'll just put in less of that ingredient.

The only percievable problem I can see is that some of the mixture coagulated into plastic-y "bits", which is really unappetising! Well, it's only my first one, it'll get better!

In a GOOOOOOD moood!!

Still Fighting the Fight

It's not been too bad today. Still in ketosis and I wasn't hungry until I'd been up about an hour. Water intake is fine and I'm beginning to see improvements in my skin and nails. I lost another 2lb - so that's 12lb in just under a fortnight! Not bad, eh?!

They said getting back on the wagon would be harder than the first time but I didn't believe them. Boy, was I wrong! I'm about to have my 4th shake (women are only supposed to have 3) of the day - I also have had 2 tuna steaks (mmm!) and I've nibbled a bit of cheese.

I'm still debating as to whether it's better just to have some meat and veg a day honestly, rather than be secretive about it.

One of my major problems, I've discovered is that I eat to be defiant or rebel. I see this in other areas of my life too, but every time the OH goes out the street door (except to go to work in the morning, when I'm asleep), I automatically go to the fridge. It's quite a battle and the fact that he's given up smoking (and therefore doesn't go outside as much) isn't really helping. Well, it's helping, but in a very annoying way!! :o)

I've no real plans this week - there's no school for me, I've given up college on Monday and Wednesdays, and there's less study to do. I've decided to walk up the road every day to get a newspaper... well, I've talked about that already.

Right, I'm still hungry (I wonder if I'm on hungry week early again? It's probably because I nibble...) so I'm going to make a drink. I was going to have a tetra pack but I'll try bouillon first.

Okay. I'm aiming to have lost a total of at least 60lb by the end of this week (Sunday). I think that's reasonable, but hopefully it'll be a bit more!

Struggling

Well, I'm struggling today. Struggled yesterday too, but didn't cave. Which, of course, means I did today. Yeah, I found a little bit of frozen turkey and a piece of cod in the freezer and ate them. Didn't enjoy them though. So that was bloody pointless.

I dunno, I guess I'm just fed up because I expected to see a pound or two gone this morning - instead I saw change.

Oh well, there you go. I'm having another meal now, as I type - a hot banana tetra. Should be okay for a while. I'll have a veg bouillon and/or a coffee if it gets tough later. No real harm in having another one of each of those and a shake/tetra/soup as well if I need it - touch wood I won't! I shouldn't!

I've decided to walk up to the shops every day this week - it might not seem like a big deal, but I don't walk anywhere, and that should take me about half an hour, there and back. It's better than nothing - damn, I just remembered I'm working Tuesday daytime...

Back on Track?

I've taken some time off the diet - obviously. I've had some kind of weird illness - which hasn't completely gone away, but I'm not having anywhere near the same problems. It would start with pain in what felt like my kidneys (but in my back) and would then spread to what felt like my stomach. It was agony. I would be doubled up for hours and no position I could get in would alleviate it. Then it would go, just really suddenly I would be fine again.

I couldn't work out what was sparking it off, but it started back in November. I thought it had to be food related, so I kept a vague record of what I was eating. One time it was a digestive biscuit with blue cheese, another time I'd gorged nearly half a box of quality chocolates (oops!). Another time it was a couple of slices of toast with honey (no butter). I went to Krispy Kreme one day and had SIX donuts, and then prepared myself for pain. Nothing.

Go fig.

I started to get quite scared when it occurred to me one day that my nan died of stomach cancer and one of my uncles died of leukemia when he wasn't much older than me, and they had been treating him for an ulcer. The GP booked me in for an endoscopy, but when the appointment letter came, I wimped out. That said, I've not had the pains since before I last saw the GP, over a month ago. I kind of get ghost symptoms of it now and again, but whatever it was, I think it's working my way out of my system.

Anyway.

So with university looming and some of my pressures off right now, I figured it's the right time to get back onto Cambridge. I carried on throughout, having a shake for breakfast most days, occasionally for lunch or dinner too, but I wasn't watching what I ate at all.

I noticed I'd put on 10lb, so I thought it was time to make a concerted effort. This was a fortnight ago. It hasn't been easy, I've slipped just about every day, but only in a very minor way. I'm not pressuring myself too much, I know I'm doing really well. Every day is improving ever so slightly, eg. today I've had a v small handful of seeds. The OH has given up fags and booze, so we're really supporting each other and we're having a tough old time of it. But it'll work. It has to!

I'm happy to say that the 10lb is now officially off!

I'm going to try and post every day this week or so - although I have college, filming, work, gigs - I only really have Thursday evening off!

So, wish me luck! :o)

Really Struggling

Well it's 4 months since I began this journey and I'm a stone lighter for each month. Moreorless.

I've been struggling for the last half of that and the struggle continues. I know I'll be safely secured back on the wagon at some point, but at the moment I'm still chasing it! Confident of that, I've begun to slip into older and badder ways - in particular, secretive eating. Defying the rules of healty living. Ignoring the signs and ignoring good advice.

See, those people who advertise their idiocy by saying that all fat people have to do is eat less and exercise are dumb to the fact that this is every much an addiction as drugs, cigarettes, caffeine, alcohol and nicotine. Every bit as much. All a heroin addict has to do is stop using, right? All a smoker has to do is not light up the next cigarette? Not easy is it.

The difference between these addicts and food addicts like myself is that if you never touch another cigarette, sniff up another line of coke, pour another whiskey, you will still live. Live better and longer in fact. Give up food, and you die. Simple as that. So the body will always be dealt its drug and Tescos will be just another in millions of dealers. No good to Robert Downey Jr, however strong he may be these days (and best of luck to him on that btw), if there are several dealers offering him drugs as he walks down the street, drugs lying all over the house (well I don't have food lying all around the house, but you get the comparison), people taking drugs all around him, advertising the wonderful feelings you get on heroin on radio and tv, etc etc etc, it even he would have to cave at some point.

If all I had to do was avoid food situations and never have any food accessible to me ever again, it would make this struggle a lot easier, believe you me.

Anyway. The diet itself.....

I didn't go on the weekend. It's a long story but everything in life got on top of me the night before, it all ran quite deep and I lost the will to go. That short explanation doesn't do it any justice really, it wasn't as trite as all that. What made it worse is that everything was pinned on that weekend, and although generally I'd advise against putting all of one's eggs into a single basket, if you've got a lot of eggs to carry and a really good basket, you take the risk. I feel the weekend would have been so beneficial to me in lots of ways and I honestly feel I'd be back on the wagon if I'd've, but, whatever, it's been and gone, I wasn't there, that's that.

I clung onto positivity despite breaking down, because all I can predict if I totally let go doesn't bear thinking about. I truly felt as if I wasn't so much slipping down the slope into my old ways but just struggling to get back up. I believe this is to be expected at certain points of anything like this, and figure that if I just get through it and stay focussed, I'll get there in the end.

I don't think I was deluding myself but I think I believed in this so much that I got complacent - and a little bit too cocky. At my last weigh-in I'd officially lost 2.5lb. I was expecting to put on so I was happy with that. That's when cockiness crept in. Whilst I was looking up this preverbial slope, I hadn't noticed that in fact, my feet were slipping down.

Weighing myself last night, after a trip to Krispy Kreme and this time downing only 4 donuts (and a sandwich I'd taken along as support!), I found, according to my scales, I'd put nearly 7lb back on. Luckily, this wasn't an official reading, so I'm looking at it as a warning of what could be when I weigh in a week from now. I should be more realistic, but I'm not looking at it as I've put on but that I just have to stop myself from putting on. It's twisting the truth really.

I've been quite good today - I have picked, to be honest, just before I came and updated, because it just got too much. I've done that, but didn't have any carbs, and I'm trying not to feel guilty.

Looking forward, I'm going out for 2 meals this week, one tomorrow and the other on Wednesday. I'm allowing myself these but I've got to be sensible. I'm going to a really nice pizza restuarant but I know their salads are gorgeous too, so I'll have one of those. If I've not eaten during the day I MIGHT have dessert - my OH doesn't have a sweet tooth so I might try and go without or else force him to share ;o)

Wednesday I'm going to my favourite cafe in the whole world, it's due to close down soon after being there at least 60 years (unchanged!). I've already decided to have a roast dinner, but I'll be asking for no potatoes (or I'll give them to the OH).

I have people staying on Thursday, and we are going to cook a chicken stew with dumplings. I will be bulking up on the vegetables in that particular meal! I think I'll buy individual desserts and not have anything. I might actually make one of the shakes into a mousse for myself. It's still calories I know, but at around 100cals I don't think it's a great problem.

I've no plans after that to eat out, for the foreseeable future. I will try my best to stick to shakes and soups all week other than that.

So.... I will report again for duty, same fat-time, same fat-channel, in a week's time.

One Eon Later

It feels like ages since I last posted 11 days ago (ish). A lot's happened in that time.

I came to terms with my current struggle to get back on the wagon. I have bootcamp next weekend (a group of people on the diet from a forum/website have booked some cottages and there's no food allowed. Foodpacks and fun only). It's perfectly timed because I think I'm almost mentally ready, will certainly be by Friday, and after essentially 3-4 days of doing it and hearing stories and being re-programmed motivationally, I'll have no trouble sticking to it.

I've been fairly relaxed about the diet then, keeping to my shake in the morning (because I like it, not because I've got to, which is good!!), having one or two more in the day (and trying not to cave!), grazing on chicken roll and tuna sandwich filling every now and again (2-3 times a day). Psychologically it's been a good move because I've given myself small, achieveable goals and not allowed myself to feel guilty. I know I'm not going to slip off the wagon 100% and by this time next week, I'll be just about over the hurdle.

Not that I've been an angel. I had a Baileys the other night, but I rarely drink anyway and had worked so hard last week (harder than I think I ever have) and was in kind of a stressful work situation. I knew the Baileys would calm my nerves and it did just that. I had one pub measure and that was it. I only drank water after that. Yesterday I had a bottle of beer, even rarer for me, I didn't finish it but I really enjoyed it. And today I had a couple of steaks with a few new potatoes (about 6) and loads of cabbage, with a little gravy. And a WW single cheesecake. Damn we went to Krispy Kreme too and I had 2.5 donuts. So today has been exceptional, but I feel better for it and very positive that tomorrow I'll be pretty good.

Why am I feeling positive...?

I finally decided to cut ties with my counsellor. I've been on this diet since October and she's been on holiday twice in that time, the second time for what will be a total of three months. The worst time to go too, the Christmas period. I've explained before reasons I was unhappy with her, so I won't go over old ground, but her replacement, who I think is newly qualified, has let me down too much.

I was quite ill over Christmas - I mean constantly, and I needed support re the diet in connection with it. I called and left messages that she never returned and I panicked because I was about to run out of foodpacks. The woman runs her own business from home so you can't tell me she didn't get those messages. Finally she called me back (just in the nick of time) and we arranged to meet, same day, same time. She hinted that people were coming earlier and that she didn't want to wait around for me to come later, so I didn't mind changing it to earlier. Well, I turned up, but where was she? Angry, I left another message for her and went off. I happened to drive by later and the lights in the house were on so I knocked. There she was with other clients. I thought she had no-one to wait around for? She told me we had arranged it for the next day, but that's crap, I arrange it for the day I do because I'm in that area anyway on that day. At least admit your mistake woman.

It turned out I'd put 12lb on over the Christmas period. I wasn't devastated by that though. Actually, officially I'd put on 1lb, but during the time I couldnt get hold of her myself, I bought some scales, weighed myself after Christmas and had actually lost 11lb. I probably wrote about that before.... sorry, going over old ground!

Why I got onto that was because on the way out of the house (she seemed very keen to leave and was finishing our session on the way out of the door) realised we hadn't arranged another time to see her. I'd already told her that I wanted to go fortnightly (mainly because I wanted to minimise opportunities of her letting me down) and she offered to call me on the alternating week to just see that all is well.

I am due to see her tomorrow. I haven't heard a peep from her since that night; no call came on Monday, no call to arrange a time this week.

Fuck her, why am I handing money to people too inconsiderate, disinterested and too unreliable? Losing weight is fucking hard and you need to feel that someone is supporting you - obviously no-one more importantly than yourself, but it would be good if your counsellor gave a toss.

So I went to the regular forum and put a plea out. Someone on there did her best to help me, bless her, but I mishandled it and things didn't go my way and I hope I haven't offended her, I didn't try to but she went out of her way to help me, and I moaned about this and that, so I think she might feel I'm ungrateful. I really appreciate what she did for me - recommending her counsellor and putting me in touch with her. It just didn't work out.

I panicked because, as I've learned recently, I panic when I'm not in control of situations I'm in. I don't mean I'm controlling, I just mean I need to be in control of my part of situations, upon how they effect me and I them. So I learned from it. I also believe in fate, so I think perhaps it wasn't meant to work out.

In short, I left two voicemails with her counsellor, she didn't call back, yet she had spoken to this girl in the meantime who'd mentioned me, and I felt again, well, here's another one who can't be bothered. I was also almost out of packs, stressing out because of it, and needed resolution as close to immediately as possible.

Someone else recommended the site that I have linked on this very page, to find a localish counsellor (their helpline couldn't help me because I needed to give them a full postcode - what help is that in this situation?!). Funny because I contacted the very first contact I had with this diet, explained the situation, she was absolutely lovely, and I saw her today.

She's just a 10-15 minute drive away - more than twice that of the other counsellor, but it was worth it. What I found was someone who is interested in what she's doing, she gave me loads of advice and tips, listened to what I had to say - fantastic. So now I have a fortnight's-worth of food and I feel kind of safe again (do you see the food = contentment issue here?!)

The good news is that I lost 10lb in the last 2 weeks. I suspected as much, although didn't dare hope. The scales I bought after Christmas told me that, but I never rely on those things - it only cost £3! But I've decided to weigh myself regularly on it - not to obsess about it, as I realise that weight - especially at my size - fluctuates throughout the day and the week, but as a tool to focus on what I'm doing. I hope it works out. So far so good. I told my new counsellor and she agreed it was a good tool, apparently, she says, statistics show that people who weigh themselves regularly are more successful with weight loss. So it seems my theory about the psychological aspect must be true.

I'm feeling really good, mentally. Phsyically, I've been better, but donuts, cheesecake, steak and potatoes aren't really condusive to physical well-being are they? But psychologically, we need to treat ourselves now and again, because we're worth it.

That's it - a long post this time, but you can see why!

I'm hoping to report at least a 7lb loss in two weeks' time. I'll post again next Monday at the latest, to write about bootcamp.

The Weight Goes On

Sigh. Well it's been a tough few weeks.

It all started with bloody Add A Meal and these pains (which I'll be talking to the GP about next Monday) when I do eat.....sometimes. Had it really bad over Christmas, but it seemed to clear up late on Boxing Day.

Of course, the day after I get a stomach bug, and NOTHING stays in my stomach long. I'll spare you the details but put it this way, the Cambridge Diet was off limits and so was even drinking water.

I suffered, but I lost something like 11lb.

Since then things have been bad! Theoretically it would have been a good time to get back on the wagon with this, but the GP said to have normal but bland food. When I finally realised I was okay, there was just too much temptation around. I mean, if you put a recovering alcoholic in the middle of a party where there's free booze, it's a tough challenge to stay sober. So goes it with the food addict. A recovering food addict should not, under any circumstances, ever go to Krispy Kreme doughnuts. SEVEN of them managed to find their way into my mouth. I was frenzied. Okay that's an exaggeration but did find it hard to stop.

I seem to have been on a very slippery slope since that happened on Saturday. Sunday and Monday have been spent trying to be good - but there were bix and chox in the staffroom at school today (normally I can ignore them) and then I really wanted a Snickers before being good tomorrow.

One day at a time at the moment then. I think that a few days of being as good as I was when I started should sort it.

Definitely changing C's as I've had so much trouble getting hold of anyone, it's ridiculous. My C is away until Feb, and the replacement never seems to return my calls and didn't even turn up today (I drove by after college and she was there then). Whatever. I've changed to fortnightly meetings instead of weekly so at least I only have to worry about it every two weeks.

According to her, it's 1lb on, but as it's the first time I've seen her since before Christmas, I've actually lost 11lb and put on 12lb!!!

So it's time to get back into it. I don't want to see any more 'ons'. I know this diet works, it's piss-easy, it's just the first few days that is hard. I need to get the same motivation I had 3 months ago when I started, 3stone ago.

Wish me luck...

New Counsellor?

Fed up.

I had to weigh myself as my Counsellor is on holiday (second time since November) until February. Her stand-in, who is training up to be a Counsellor, has been really hard to get hold of, I've left her a couple of messages as I couldn't go to our pre-arranged appointment last week and she hasn't bothered ringing to see how I am or simply return my calls.

Not good.

Fortunately I've eaten so little the last week and have been off the packs due to my stomach bug that I have enough packs to see me through about a week and a half, and I'm going to find another Counsellor in the meantime. I'm giving her until the end of tomorrow to get in contact with me, although my mind is already made up.

There's a good one, I'm told, about 10-15 drive away, so if I go once a fortnight that should be okay. I'll give her a ring on Wednesday.

So, yes, I bought some scales (they were only cheap) and according to those I've lost 11lb. I've rechecked it a couple of times and it still likes 11lb, so I'll take it as read for now.

I'm going back onto Sole Source tomorrow - I haven't gone barmy with food, although I did have a big roast pheasant dinner today that I should have had on Boxing Day. I had the dessert (Christmas pud and Tia Maria cream) yesterday - didn't eat too much of that and I didn't react too well to it anyway!!

Apart from that haven't eaten that much, I haven't really been in the mood for it. I had two (english) muffins with a bit of egg mayonnaise, but I really had to force it down and didn't feel too good after. GP warned that stomach still might be a bit delicate for a few days. Had some Diet Coke but am not as keen on it as I used to be! So, not over the top.

Am looking forward to a fresh start tomorrow and going back to shakes and soups!

Ketchup!

It's been a while since I've posted, but not because I've given up. It's been a mixture of reasons - too busy, disillusioned (?).... I'm not sure disillusioned is right really though. I know I've wanted to say a bit so I've been holding it off.

During my first week of Add A Meal I got terrible pains in my kidneys and stomach, really chronic, within a couple of hours of eating. I was eating the right foods but as I was on my, "Hungry Week", and my first week of real food, I figured I'd have the portions I wanted. So I put it down to that. The first day of Sole Source (being back on the diet) saw no problems in that department.

However, since then I've struggled to stay back in SS and my weekly average loss has petered out a bit. With birthdays and Christmas coming up, I relaxed a bit, but wouldn't let myself off the hook totally. I kept to either 2 or 3 foodpacks a day and the odd pick. To my detriment I think I could've maybe lost nearly another stone by now, but I won't give myself a hard time about that. I'm in this condition because I have food issues, it's going to take a while for me to relearn. The fact that eating real food can (but doesn't always) affect me with physical pain is a harsh, but quite a good policeman!

The last time I got weighed - just over a week ago, I stayed the same - but I was fine with that, I was so sure I had put on, it was just depressing!

I haven't been weighed yet this week; obviously with Christmas I let loose a bit, mainly over Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Prior to that I was practically crippled with the stomach/back pains, I called the doctor out twice - although I did cancel when Ranitidine (antacids?) was recommended and did the trick for the most part. I had the back pain all through Christmas, but it was at a tolerable level.

Then.... I either got food poisoning or a stomach bug that started overnight after Boxing Day and anything that passes my lips passes out the other end quite soon after. I'll spare you the details! I am a bit dehydrated but I spoke to the GP on the phone this morning and she recommended NO drinking water (shame bcos I'm thirsty!), but sipping the vile Diarolyte. I managed a few small sips before the one hour limit ran out so I had to throw it away. I had a slice of dry toast an hour ago, and until I started typing this sentence thought I was fine, but my stomach's cramping a bit now.

Depressing.

I suppose at least this will help me back onto Sole Source next week; I had started out quite well back on it on Tuesday, but obviously decided it was pointless after my toilet problems lasted more than a few hours! Hopefully it'll be good news on the scales next week too then! Not that I'd like to go through this every time I want to get rid of the results of indulging! But it would be nice if I got some pay-off!!

I'll let you know next week!

PS Thank you to the people who've posted on here, I do appreciate it, and please let me know how you're doing!

PPS Have managed to lose 4.5" all over this month. People are - slowly - beginning to notice - hooray!

Missed A Week Posting!

I was so pissed off with my 2lb loss last week, after a good week, that I was too pissed off to post. Dumb really because this is supposed to be a record of my downs as well as my ups, so I promise to try and never do that again.

Last week was my first Add A Meal week, which is basically 2 or 3 mealpacks a day plus 3oz of either chicken/white fish/quorn/soya/cottage cheese and 2tbsp of certain watery veg.

I was also on my Hungry Week (which is what I call that PMS time when anything that stops moving gets eaten!). So I decided to be easy on myself, eat what I wanted (as long as it was the right food - and for the most part I did - but just had the portions I wanted - which was about 2-3 times more than I should have! I confess I did have a bit of chocolate and a bit of cheese today - a few mouthfuls over the week of egg mayonaise. I'm just polishing off a very large mint-flavoured Bailey's (come on, it's limited edition, I had to!) before going back on Sole Source (just packs) tomorrow and for the next 4 weeks.

Actually I'm relieved to be getting back to SS. I've been having chronic pains in my back and stomach, which some people have hinted might be gallstones, and is apparently common in bigger women, especially those losing weight quickly like myself. I'm hoping it isn't, but, I trust my intuition, and it tells me that something is definitely wrong. I spoke to the on-call emergency GP last night, who told me it sounded like gastritis, where the stomach is preparing acid around 3 times a day in expectation of a meal, but why would this happen after 7 weeks? I still toy with the idea that it might be that my portions have been too big, or that my body's in shock by seeing real food again. Either way, the GP said I shouldn't give up Cambridge, and encouraged me to go on, which was nice to hear.

I hope I go back to SS all right. Theoretically I should, as I really wanted to about 3 days ago. I'll see in a few days if the pains cease (meat can take up to 5 days to leave your body, did you know that?!). Hopefully I'll be eating again on either Christmas Day or Boxing Day - both which are a day or two before my diet week restarts, but hey. Maybe I'll do Add A Meal a week early. Whatever. I hope I won't be on Hungry Week because my loss should be good then.

As it is now, check out my tracker, I've lost 39lb now in 7 weeks - that's 3lb off 3 stone, I should be very proud of myself! I am! I've gone down 3 dress sizes in 2 months and my health has improved.

BTW special mention to Jenny, who left me a kind message after my last post. I'll return the favour! :o)

Normal Week, Normal Loss

No complaints.

A 4lb loss this week, which by Cambridge standard is normal, but for anyone else losing weight is brilliant. So I'm not bowled over, but happy enough.

Besides, I've gone down another dress size (24).

I'm aiming for 5lb next week - which is slightly high really, but it will take me under 18st (to 17st 13lb). 2lb will give me the 2.5 stone off marker, but really I'd like to do better. Which will no doubt mean I lose either 3 or 4! Oh well, it's all in the right direction.

I plan to start exercising at SOME point this week, so that will make a difference in some way (it can be bad, to be honest!).

Okay. Well I've decided no more bars for me, and if I get any, no more than one. They're just too more-ish and I just don't trust myself.

That's all for this week.

Week 5 Done and WI Day Change

The last couple of weeks have been hard because they've been my first "hungry weeks" on VLCD.

But I didn't cave; I had an extra mealpack some days (an extra 2.5 one day!) and chose not to feel guilty about that. I didn't cave in to real food and that's the real triumph.

I've slipped into bad habits with the water, but that said, I haven't been counting the ice I put in the shakes or the odd coffee or Marigold (which I'm not meant to have, oh well, I haven't been out of ketosis anyway).

If I have one glass either side of a meal, treating it as part of the meal, that should go a long way to help.

Too tired to say too much more really. I got extra bars this week (dangerous!) and no soups as I've got loads spare. My C also isn't stocking the new tomato flavour and this is my weak attempt at a protest. But I can buy them from other counsellors anyway, so :oPPPPP

Okay 8lb this week (10 days), making a total of 2st 1lb!!!

One Month Done

... I lost 3lb this week, so that's a total of 21lb.

I've only met my counsellor twice and I'm already kind of fed up with her. Not only does she spend 98% of the time talking about herself, and 1.5% about other clients, but she told me she expected me to have lost about 6lb this week. Geez, thanks a bundle. Make me feel great about myself, thanks.

I'm on what I call my "Hungry Week", it's the TOTM and I'm in that ravenous week. I had a couple of extra bars one night, was extremely pissed off with myself, but allowed myself to be consoled by the fact that I still ate food on the programme and not real food. I had an extra bar last night, and today - although she said if I feel like I need a fourth each day then that was fine. I've been fighting it anyway, and doing quite well at it, but there you go. On a journey of 1000 miles, you're going to stumble once or twice, but as long as you keep facing and moving forward, you'll get there. So I'll get there.

I haven't been drinking the water properly, and that I think is my issue. What else could it be?

Well, that's all to report for now.

Vital Stats

(I can't believe I'm putting this on the net for everyone to see!)

Start (05/10/05):

B: 55" (139cm)
W: 51" (129cm)
H: 60" (152cm)

As of today (24/10/05)
B: 53.75" (136.5cm)
W: 48.75" (124cm)
H: 59" (150cm)

Wow! I didn't expect to see such a difference right away, but just to save you doing the maths, thats:

B: 1.25" (2.5cm)
W: 2.25" (5cm)
H: 1" (2cm)

Okay that's not extremely noticeable yet, but not bad for 3 weeks!! I've also noticed today that I've gone down 2 dress sizes, so I'm pulling out all my old clothes that I put away at the weekend!

Well done me!!

As for Cambridge Diet Day 2:

Breakfast: Half each of choc toffee malt and choc choc bars (very nice)
Lunch: Vegetable Soup - okay, had to add plenty of pepper and leave for a few minutes for the bits of carrot to plump out
Dinner: The rest of the bar halves (shouldn't have had 2 bars in one day....)

The good news is that the second set of bars were a bit of a binge - I'm reacting again to the water flavourings and I think that's what made me hungry. I managed to stave off having a choc mint shake by drinking some water and 4 espressos (not the best idea in the world; made me a bit dizzy but at least I didn't succumb!). So I'm proud that I got through that. It's been my hungriest day yet. Aren't I supposed to be handling it by now?

I'm going to by myself some ketostix asap, so that I can keep a check on my hydration, as I know that's a bit of a problem for me. Apparently some chemists aren't keen to let them go to non-diabetics...

I'm going to reward my stamina next week with a trip to the hairdressers for a cut and dye job. My next treat for sticking to it is going to be a lateral thigh trainer for Christmas. After that it's a weekend away for "boot camp" with other Cambridgers.... I'll look at February's treat when February comes! That's enough indulgence/incentive to be getting on with for now!

Also, at the end of November, I'm going up with my counsellor to Corby, where the Cambridge HQ and factory is, to have a look around - with a view to becoming a counsellor myself. Could be big bucks in that, very useful for university time!

Day One of Cambridge

Yep. Good!

I haven't felt too much pressure on the water drinking - as long as I drink 2l that's good. I'll try and do 3 though.

Had the Cappuccino shake for breakfast - very nice; it tasted like the LL vanilla pack when I made it with coffee.

Lunch was the Fruits of the Forest shake - it was okay, I think it could have been sweeter, but bearable.

Then dinner was the chocolate orange bar! OMG real chocolate!! It reminded me of a Fry's Chocolate Creme, only made with fudge. I feel like I had a real treat!

I've had the Summer Berry water flavouring today - the proper measure is too sweet for me, so I'm using half. It's still a little sweet so it's obviously going to go a long way!

They will have missed me at LL today, I haven't told my LL counsellor yet, but I was thinking of writing a letter. It's a little cowardly of me I suppose, but I want to make sure that I say everything I want to say, including putting across the sincerity that I'm really sorry but it was purely the price difference. As it goes, I've more reason to stick to Cambridge now, but that was the main reason.

I'm going to do my current measurements tomorrow and put them up here. I'm trying the Chocolate Mint shake tomorrow (with LL I used the Chocolate pack and made it up with cold peppermint tea) and the soups (vegetable and chicken'n'mushroom).

I can't wait to taste everything!

"End" of Week Three

I decided to go for it and start with Cambridge. Which I'll do. I haven't told my LL counsellor yet.

I feel pretty bad because I have no complaint about her or the sessions, it's purely a ££ issue, and there it is. Already I am £15 in pocket because I've bought Cambridge products - and they all look/sound quite yummy!

I've really struggled with the water - so much so I've stayed up all night trying to get 4l in. Today and yesterday I didn't get to bed until 10am!!

Not many differences except that C is a lot more flexible. It's one-2-one therapy, and if I can't make it I'll do it another day - and she'll see people up to 11.30pm! I can have a fourth foodpack a day if I need it, basically it's something to fall back on if you get desperate - better than caving in to real food!

In 4 weeks' time (or maybe 2) I'll be able to have a meal a day, 5 days a week. It's a very light meal, but wow!! It's a bit scary but at the same time I was worrying about getting scared to eat food....

I only have to drink 2l of water, and the water used for coffee/tea is included - phew! Much better!

There's twice the amount of shakes and bars available, and a tetra pack with a shake made up already. That's good! I was able to buy a couple of other bits because I want to try everything but have a couple of bars to hand just in case I'm going to be out of the house for hours.

And that's it - I'm set to go!

Oh yeah, I lost a 2lb this week! Not fantastic, but I shouldn't complain...

Wish me luck!

Two Weeks In...

I lost another 4lb this week.

Which I'm not complaining about - I mean, 16lb in a fortnight is fantastic! But had I drunk my 4 litres every day, I reckon I could have dropped another 2lb on top of that. Oh well. I only have myself to blame!

I had a couple of days last week when I was out of the house, and although I took water with me I didn't drink enough of it. There was one day I didn't even drink 1 litre! I was on a night shoot; however I was really proud of myself that I didn't succumb to even a crumb of all the food that the caterers always put on. I notched up what I would have had if I wasn't abstaining, and....

3 Cadbury's mini-rolls
1pc fruit cake
2 small cups Diet Coke
1pc pizza (small)
some kind of veggie pasta
salad
fruit crumble (that looked really nice!)
a couple of bacon rolls

So whilst I didn't drink the water, I resisted temptation, and on the good side, I didn't have to queue for food - just took my thermal mug over to the coffee/tea table, filled up, stirred with a fork, and Bob's yer uncle!

A few people were interested in what I was doing, one of them kept trying to tell me that a portion of fruit crumble was not going to hurt - really trying to convince me! Sabotage is everywhere - however well meant!

Seriously though, I have to make a big effort with the water now - it isn't flushing out the ketones so that new ones can be "made" - hence less weight loss, but more importantly it can dry up the organs and be quite dangerous!

Last week the St Clement's water flavouring was really helping, but unfortunately, my counsellor and I suspect that I'm having a toiletry reaction to it, so I've got to stop using it. There's chance that I'm slightly lactose intolerant too, so I'm going to ask the doc if I can be tested for that, because otherwise the shakes are going to be a problem - boo!! But when I switch to Cambridge, they've got shakes for that, so if I get fed up with it I'll have those in stock.

Finally this week, a friend of my sister's started the same day as me but gave up after a couple of days and has given me the rest of her foodpacks - something like 14 of them. Which was very kind indeed, except I don't know what to do with them. I get 21 a week as part of my payment, I only need 21 a week, so I need to think. They're all soups, so I suppose at least I've got more choice and not regretting the fact that I only have shakes left by Thursday lunchtime (actually it's usually the other way round though....).

I thought about selling them on eBay, but apparently that is really frowned upon, I'm not sure whether to sell them back to the counsellor otherwise she'll ask questions..... hmm.... decisions....

Week One In The Can!

And TWELVE POUNDS lighter!

Well I finished Wk1 when going to bed on Saturday night.

Funny, I can't really remember ever eating conventional food! I've had cravings, real cravings, and for food I don't normally eat, but I recognise them as part of my addiction, and not because my body needs it.

The water intake has been quite difficult, but getting easier every day. From today I've been able to use the food flavourings they sell, and that's really helped. Makes it up to £9 more expensive each week though...

In addition to the meals you are allowed up to 2 of this savoury drink per day (they don't count as part of your water though, sadly!). For a week's supply (14) it's £6. Yikes. More money? Thanks to the Discovery Health forum I found out that Marigold Vegetable Bouillon is just the same. I checked the ingredients and the only difference is one thing and it's last on the list (and therefore the smallest in percentage) - lovage. It's around £1.50 a tub and looks like there's maybe a couple of week's worth if you have one tsp per cup!

We had a sample (well, I had two!) to take home and I thought it was quite nice. Funny that now I kind of see it as another meal or snack. A fortnight ago it would have been a poor excuse for gravy! It'll be good for difficult days - esp that time of the month when I just get ravenous!

I still can't believe how easy this is to do really!

The only bad news is that they are putting their prices up just after New Year (just in time for all those resolution-makers....). Already the more expensive of the VLCD's at £46.50 a week, it's going up to £62!

To cut a long story short, I've done lots of homework and will be switching over to the Cambridge Diet, as it's half that price! The only difference is that CD don't do the cognitive behavioural therapy. General consensus is divided, some people swear by it, some can live without it, some say it's patronising. I've decided to stick with it for the time being, but the change to Cambridge is certainly going to happen.

I'm not nervous about that, so I don't know what is stopping me really. Maybe it's because I'm so happy with LL that I'm worried that a change might upset it. What's the worst that could happen? I don't like it and go back to LL?!

Cambridge actually make the food that LL sells, except that they do more flavours of it. I think that's about all I need to know (mental note: find out what other flavours are!). Having said that I'm having trouble with the choices I've got! I quite like everything (not overkeen on the bars though).

In addition you can have black tea (any leaf type) or black coffee, and there's a savoury drink you can have twice a day too. Really that's enough.

But at the end of the day I want to switch to Cambridge because of the cost. That's the bottom line really.

Right. I may post again before next week, I've decided not to go to the pop-in this week as I'm coping fine (although the old number two's are starting to raise question!).

Hoping to lose at least 5lb this week and stretch the initial good loss out to a second week!

Day Five

Mildly easier today but it didn't help that I discovered that there's a forum at Discovery Health with millions of tasty recipes using the foodpacks! Made me crave them something chronic!

But there's no going back so I'll just be patient and try one or two of them out next week.

Breakfast: Had the toffee bar - far superior to the fruit one, quite tasty!
Lunch: Thai soup. Would have killed for a wholemeal roll and Clover with it, but hey!
Dinner: Caramel shake. Inspired (and driven!) by the DH forum, I added some coffee (I forgot it wasn't chocolate). Not so good! :o)

Trying to only have coffee if desperate right now, and trying to beef up the water intake. For someone who loves water so much I'm finding it a little hard. At times I'm bored with it, but the biggest reason I'm not drinking more is basically discipline.

The lethargy I've had lately is definitely going; I'm not up to par yet but definitely a marked improvement!!

Tomorrow I'm having the raspberry shake, veg soup and half the lemon bar before work, and the rest after. I usually have choc peanuts and gallons of Diet Coke at work - they're in for a surprise! I haven't got plans during the day, so I'll just study and keep plugging on with the water - I'm aiming to have half a pint every half hour for eight hours - wish me luck!

Day Four and First Stop-In

Today I feel a lot better and have noticed an increase in alertness, energy and better sleep already. I didn't expect to feel it so soon. My skin, I am convinced now, is looking very clear indeed. Come to think of it, my nails are improving too!
Had a quiet day studying at home and the moment I realised I could have bars today I ran in the kitchen to try the fruit bar. It seems like so long ago!
It was pretty tasteless; I think you could just about detect a taste on the front of my tongue. It isn't a very big bar and weighs about an ounce. But the texture is quite chewy and dense, so it does last a while. Of course I forgot you can eat some now and some later... anyway, I had a coffee with that and then it dawned on me that I probably wouldn't eat for about another 8 hours - argh!
Today I've had quite strong cravings. Firstly wedding cake (of all things!), then fish and chips, with really thick, crispy batter, then a roast with chicken, roast potatoes, peas, carrots and gravy. Vivid!! I have a feeling it's the textures I'm missing now. It's made the hunger come back a bit today.
Lunchtime pack (at about 3pm), I had chicken soup as I have a bit of a cold and thought that even though it isn't real chicken (it's all 100% vegetarian) it might make me feel better.
I've struggled a little with the water today. Slight laziness.
As I was going to be at the stop-in and then seeing my dad after (he lives nearby), I thought I'd take another bar with me. The biggest one! The nut flapjack. I had half of it in the car on the way (probably a bad idea) and the rest on the way round the corner to my dad's!
My first impression was that Evil made a cake and it went badly wrong. It's tasteless, very dry and nasty. I guess the idea is to give your mouth something to chew on, but I wonder if it's made me want real food again. I won't get them next week. Actually I'll see how the other two bars are because I guess it'll be handy if I'm going to be out.
So, the Stop-In. Three of the other women were there and they were finding it similarly easy and had a varied reaction to the foodpacks. Whilst waiting to go in one of them said that she knew people who had done this "diet", and said that the soups could be made into crisps and the shakes into muffins. I'm not sure about that, but we'll see when she gets the recipes! Mind you, I'm thinking if we're not supposed to be on real food then it's probably a cheat and I don't want to cheat!
Then we had to wee on a stick (to check ketosis and hydration). I got told off for not drinking enough water. She said if I dehydrate it can damage the organs, and apart from that, if the ketones are not flushed out then the body will not produce more. Ketones are what fuels the fat-burning, therefore, more water, more weightloss. Message received and understood.
I was measured (don't know what they were) and weighed. Get this - EIGHT AND A HALF POUNDS!!! In just 3.5 days! I know that a lot of that is fluid (which the counsellor says will come back on at the end, thanks for the warning!), but still! I wonder what it will be like on Saturday....!
I have to admit, maybe I'm in shock, but although surprised I wasn't particularly pleased. I have no idea why. I can't fathom it. Whatever. Rationality over that, that 8.5lb is history. Goodbye.
Thing is, I've got two things going on. The lack of excitement over a great loss (I don't feel any smaller yet) and the fact that I'm very close to caving tonight (I won't!!!!!!). I think it's because I feel like I've done it. Sure there's another 140 or so pounds but that's me for you. Not staying the course. I feel like I took a test and passed. Tonight I am the closest to caving and I think it's because of this. So as soon as I've finished this, I'm off to bed!!
I probably won't update now until Saturday, unless I feel I need/ought to.

End of Day Three

Day Three has been a breeze compared to the last few days. I have to say I am proud with myself and my stamina! Doing my GCSE's last year, 20 years late, really has helped, because it taught me that by starting something, committing to it and sticking to it, despite all obstacles, that I can really achieve what I want. All I needed was determination.

I slept pretty well, in fact, now I think about it, I must have slept really well because I had a late night, got up early and haven't felt the effects of it! In fact I woke up feeling quite good!

Am used to the hunger now and can handle it like a trooper! I am led to believe that once I stop producing insulin in a few days time, the hunger pangs will stop.

I had the caramel shake for breakfast; it's my least favourite shake - there's not a lot of flavour in it, it's okay though. I had that at about 0930 and, realising that I would want something before going out to college at 6pm and coming back at about 9pm it meant a long time without anything.... I coped okay though, trying to distract myself and tried to drink the water. Around 3pm I figured I'd have some coffee; I never drink that much of it but when I do I like a nice cup of it - usually espresso with hot water added - an Americano. I have some expensive cups and saucers tucked away and I decided I'd use one of them. It was a Godsend! It was almost like having another liquid meal, so it felt like a real treat. I don't want to get too used to it, so I won't overdo it. I went to college without taking water with me and I've noticed today, like a film in my mouth. Nothing horrible, kind of like a dryness (not like thirst, just dry). That may be the beginnings of the acetone they warned about. It's not a problem. Just part of the process. It's good to know that my body is reacting predictably to the "regime".

My only issue at the moment is that I haven't drunk as much water today. I think I just about drank enough yesterday. I haven't kept a check on it but I'm sure it's less than 2 litres. I'll be up for about another 30 mins or so, so I'll gollop another bit. I worked out that all I need to do is drink 500ml or half a pint of water an hour (16 hours a day). Looking at it like that, it doesn't seem so bad! So, tomorrow, on the hour, every hour I will make sure I have a half-pint glass full and make sure it's diminished by the end of the hour!

Also tomorrow, I am allowed to have the bars. Looking at them they don't seem as substantial as the soups and particularly the shakes. But I'll be open-minded. Being the first solid food I've had since Saturday I will have to try hard to resist scarfing it down. At the moment I think I probably won't get food bars again, and just stick to the shakes and soups.

I had the chicken soup today; that was fine, I used a little less water in order to have it thicker - you are allowed to have it as thick or watery as you like. Once again I added the pepper and Tabasco - it will be a while before I'm bored with that. Although tailoring the soups to avoid boredom is going to be hard anyway.

From Sunday, I'll be able to have other drink flavourings to add to water, both hot and cold (I don't know if the hot drinks will contribute to the 4 litres, I'll have to find out).

I will be having my first Stop-in tomorrow (this is a shorter midweek catch-up with the counsellor to check all is as it should be). I need to ask about taking my antihistimines as I've really been suffering with it the last couple of days and don't want to risk anything by taking it. I'd rather suffer all that sneezing! I'll have my first Before picture taken, along with measurements.

I am a bit worried as I just noticed on my copy of the GP form that it said if my BP diastolic was above 90 I had to have another test 5 mins later. It was 106 and he didn't do it. I've been given high BP tablets, which I've admitted to, but not taken yet (naughty girl). I'm supposed to be giving blood on Thursday - I think it's unlikely they'll let me but I'll go along, at least to find out my BP.

I'm going to the GP again sometime next week for another BP check-up; this time I've asked to see the one there who I know to be sympathetic to my weight struggle and has attempted to help out constructively a couple of times before. He's not an angel but he's helpful enough and naturally keen to see me lose my tonnage. I'll honestly voice my concerns to him, give him the LL leaflet that they asked me to give them (the other GP gave it back), and ask what I need to do about this 4-weekly thing. I am expecting they will want paying so I will do whatever is the cheapest option available.

Worst case scenerio: I can get LL products at eBay and I will buy them there if I have to. I don't want to. It's cheaper but obviously there is no support. Uh, I don't know. Worrying too much. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it....

'Til tomorrow......

End of Day Two

Woke up with enormous headache. I can't tell if it's because it's the first few detox days, using the PC for too long (and playing games) without the specs that I should be using when on it, or hormone headaches.

Whatever, I'd gone to bed slightly earlier than normal last night, woke up about 6.30am with my head banging. Consequently, I didn't get up until around midday... and took a Nurofen Liquid. The headache is still there, albeit thinly masked by the painkiller and I've been a bit dizzy and not quite with it all day. Knowing that I'm marching, one day at a time, towards being a healthy person, and that it will all settle in a few days keeps me resolute.

I waited about half an hour before going for the raspberry shake. I was dreading it a bit, but I figured it must be quite similar to strawberry, which it was. I felt kind of satisfied after drinking less than half of it (I made about a pint) and realised that I must be getting used to the hunger.

It seems to come in waves. One minute I am ravenous, the next fine. You have to have it within 15 minutes of making it otherwise some of the nutrients die out so I just slowly sipped it and finished it within about ten. I am recognising moments when I would normally eat - triggers.

Times of the day are the most difficult, but not as bad as I expected. I had to go out around 6pm, the usual time my stomach would be crying out, so just before I left I had the mushroom soup. Like yesterday I added loads of pepper and a bit of Tabasco to make it a bit more interesting but it was certainly palatable and satisfied me enough to keep me going.

I needed to go to Tesco to pick up some bits and I thought this might pose a big challenge. I am really looking at this abstinence as just that. "I don't do food anymore", I thought to myself. I must be anorexic then.... I looked at the food as something different - as if I was buying a packet of cigarettes for someone (I don't smoke). No urge, no relationship. I made sure to get more Nurofen and some Migraine Kool'n'Soothe strips. I've only used them once before (on a real migraine a few weeks ago) and it worked really well - I recommend them! I really could have used one today, although it didn't feel like a migraine. They're non-medicinal so they are fine. I got some Canderel tablets (one to carry in my bag and one for home) and a big bag of ground arabica beans, as I think I'll have a nice coffee in the mornings before or after my shake.

Whilst I was there I took the time to weigh myself - only because that's where I used to weigh myself. There I was 20st exactly (280lb), so it looks like that 09 from Saturday was .9 rather than 9lbs.... maybe. I was just curious.

I took a bottle of water with me to my evening class and managed the 500ml in the 2 hours I was there. I haven't met my 4l amount today - maybe 2.5 at best. 2 pints of water and that bottle, whatever that makes (I'll have another half pint before I go to bed).

I had my last "meal" of the day when I got back around 9.15pm, this time I had the vanilla shake. I'd been dreading this one too as my counsellor misunderstood my list and rather than give me 2 of each flavour plus another choc shake, she gave me one choc shake and an extra vanilla shake and thai soup. I liquidized it up with lots of ice and to be honest, it was quite nice! With the ice it reminded me of ice cream that had thawed a bit, then re-frozen, then thawed again. Apart from the health issue. Basically it was very nice!!

I've decided to have a shake (and coffee!) for breakfast each day, and either a soup or shake for lunch and dinner. I'll start having bars on Wednesday, so I'll either have one of them for breakfast or if I know I'm going to be out.

So, in summary.... day two has gone better than day one for hunger. I'm just as hungry but getting used to it. The water helps. Somehow the shakes and soups are kind of filling. I suppose as my stomach shrinks, I'll get fuller quicker. Murderous headaches but fortunately I can try and sleep them off and have stocked up on anti-headache bits. Feeling dizzy and I might have a cold coming on. Could be dust allergy and I don't know if I can take the pills for that yet (I probably can, but I will wait till my stop-in on Wednesday and ask the counsellor). I am certainly going to the loo more (number ones).

I have a pile of soups and a pile of shakes to choose from but I decided to take even that out of the equation and collated them into one pile, mixing up the packs - only making sure that I have a shake for breakfast. It's not hard and fast, if I fancy a different flavour, I'll have it, obviously. I can just swap a bar in when I fancy that instead (unlikely I'll get them often I think; I can imagine I'll wolf them down quicker than a drink/soup).

Tomorrow I am meeting my boyfriend's sister. She knows I'm doing this and we are going to be out and not eating. We will pop round her house so that "he" can pick me up, and I'm taking a shake and a soup with me and have whichever one is more convenient (hopefully the soup, as I've more of them!).

First Meeting and First Day!

Yesterday, Saturday, was the day I'd been waiting for - the first meeting.

I was a little early and saw this overweight girl hovvering about around the corner. We looked at each other and seemed to know we were going to the same place! There's a bench outside the counsellor's house, so I sat there and chatted to another new person (we're all new; the way it works is that we all start and stay together from the beginning for at least 14 weeks with no-one new joining). When the earlier meeting came out, she recognised a couple of them from the initial meeting she'd attended a few months before.

Both of them were really happy, finding it easy going and had lost over 35lb each (in 8 weeks!). That filled us both with hope; hearing it from the horse's mouth rather than as part of a sales pitch.

Once in and settled we each took our turn to be weighed privately. I was 20st and either .9 of a lb or 9lb - I'm thinking the latter, and that is shocking. I always said if I hit 20st (that's 280lb) then..... :o/. But I'm doing something about it now, NOW, so I will not dwell. It's not going to get any worse, thank God for that.

Most of the women seem really nice; I only really got talking to a few of them (there's 11 of us). I'm looking forward to sharing our journeys, and I am sure some of them will piss me off before too long (and vice versa!).

We then watched a video very similar to the one they showed at the, "initial meeting". I hadn't sat in a position to be able to see it, so I made sure this time I did! After that the counsellor talked us through stuff we kind of knew and then some finer details of what we could expect in the first week or so. The first four days are going to be hell basically, whilst we detox and get used to a brand new way of fuelling our bodies. Apart from the food packs, we are allowed pepper and tabasco. That's it. We will need to get through 4 litres of water a day (I've almost done 3 since noon and it's now 10 hours later!), and she promises that this will become easier after a few days, when ketosis sets in, and our bodies will be, "asking for it". We're allowed black tea or coffee, as long as it's only flavoured with sweetener in tablet form, not spooned. We are okay with painkillers and tablets as long as they are not coloured or have a shiny coating on. Nurofen Liquid Tablets are fine, thank goodness!

We were then shown the foodpack list. Soups, shakes and bars, a bit like Slimfast. A lot like Slimfast in fact. We had to pick a week's meals from that; I just got two of everything. They recommend you don't have the bars until the fourth day, so I'll stick to that.

Then we tried a couple of little exercises (not physical ones!), where we understood more about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and we talked about our reasons for doing this. We then picked up our carrier bags with the foodpacks, paid our £46.50 and after arranging a "pop-in" during the week (we have to do that for the first 3 weeks) that was that.

I offered a lift to the station (it's a 20 minute bus ride away) and agreed to pick them up at the station next Saturday. I don't mind, I would have appreciated it if it were me.

By then I was starving so I went to Pizza Express for what was essentially my last food meal. I've made my peace and said goodbye to all my favourite foods these last two weeks. It's been easier to do that than I thought. It's not forever, just until I am healthy and fit enough to enjoy them again. Rather than wolf down as much of it as I could, I decided instead just to enjoy every morsel. So, for my last real meal I had olives and garlic bread with cheese, some new pizza they do which is essentially a big garlic bread with mozzerella salad on top. I had a diet coke, an Americano (espresso with water) and a slice of delicious cheesecake.

We did a gig last night and I had some of the buffet - not loads and loads but some cheese, pate and a couple of mini sausages. I said goodbye to Krispy Kreme, with sour cream, original glazed and chocolate cake donuts and a double chocolate ice-blend with coffee. I didn't finish it.

I was going to have something when we got back, but I was too tired and didn't know what to have, so I just went to bed. One thing I haven't done is just eat for the sake of eating. I tried that on Friday with a massive ice cream dessert meant for sharing. I ate about four spoonfuls and couldn't eat any more. These are good signs!

DAY 1/300

I didn't want to have breakfast until I was hungry, and after getting up at 1015am that meant around 1130am. I had a chocolate shake, blended with ice in the liquidizer. It's exactly like Slimfast. I used a straw to drink it, but didn't guzzle. I knew I had to stretch it out!

I spent the day at my brother's house and took a thai chicken chili soup with me, and a 2l bottle of water. Despite the fact that they had a roast I was fine. His 3 daughters (all aged 8 and under) kept me busy enough to take my mind of it. The youngest was having a "tea party", so I pretended to enjoy the plastic foods and invisible drink. It helped....!

I was only really distracted by the odd food advert and time of day really. Although I kept getting hunger pangs (I am STARVING right now!). The sort of pang where normally I'd get up and get a slice of bread or something. I have to just learn to ignore that. It will go apparently after no more than about a week (a week?!). I guess it's a habit/craving that will go. I had my soup when they had dinner. Again, very Slimfast-y. I wasn't sure I'd like it, but it was fine, and I added plenty of pepper. My sister-in-law was very helpful in reminding me to drink and kept refilling my glass. I left at about 8pm, after having my last sip from that bottle. I've just literallly finished another pint and going for another! I didn't need the toilet until about 6.45pm and since then I've been 5 times!

The hunger pangs come and go. I'm desperately hungry enough to give in for a few minutes, then nothing. It's a bit of a see-saw. Next week we can pay a bit more to get flavourings for the water, which I'll try but I'm not too bothered about. Fortunately I can still have my nice french coffee espressos/Americanos, so I'll probably use that to break up the boredom. I don't have milk with coffee anyway, so there's no change there!

End of day one. Phew! Only about 299 to go!

T Minus Two Days

I went to see my GP today to get him to sign the "consent" form that LL want before I can begin the programme. It's a bit short notice for me but my LL counseller said that as long as I give her a photocopy tomorrow (as well as posting the original), we should be okay.

Since the initial meeting a couple of weeks ago I have been mentally preparing myself for this. I am aware that it is going to be a difficult change, especially for the first couple of weeks. I haven't gone mad eating food but every time I eat something I particularly like, I kind of say goodbye to it, at least for the next year, maybe forever. I am ready and raring to go.

I went to the GP today as when I went a couple of weeks or so ago, he told me that my BP was a bit on the high side - 145 over 100. Although people tell me it wasn't particularly high it is obviously enough to concern anyone. Already convinced by Lighter Life, this sealed the deal.

I was expecting the BP to come down when I went back today, but, no, it's actually gone up to 149/106, which was a bit of a shock. He has given me a subscription for Alenolol, which I am dubious about, as I'm never keen on taking tablets. Then the speech came about weight loss... I just don't know where to begin moaning about that! This GP is new to the surgery and he's an idiot. He doesn't even look at you when he speaks to you, doesn't listen and mumbles when he talks. Obviously he's not used to intelligent women...

I interrupted him and gave him the LL leaflet (for GPs) and asked him to tick the boxes on the form (to say that I don't have heart trouble, no transference of medical responsibility) and explained to him what the diet was about, that I had researched it on the net and spoken to the company and counsellors but he was having none of it. He flatly refused and said that he couldn't recommend it.

I am having a bit of a PMS day, so mood swings are abound - I didn't realise it then. I managed to convince him to fill in the form but then he wouldn't give it to me unless I gave him £20. Of course he still didn't believe in it, he just figured he'd make £20. Arsehole.

I just told him that I am out of work and cannot afford it - all he had to do apart from sign was to tick a couple of boxes, questions that he needed to ask me anyway, and take my BP, which he'd just done. He was trying to get me to take some Xenicol, and I refused. I had asked for it before from another GP who was not keen on letting me have it, and once with prescription in hand had a little look around the net and was stunned by the side effects. It's simply not worth it, it would make me afraid to eat anything. My mind is already fucked with food without encouraging me to be afraid to eat it!

I wanted to act more upset than I was (although I was very disappointed) but the tears came and, embarrassed, I ran out of his office, ignoring him call after me. What was the point?

The receptionists stopped me andI told them what had happened. They were so nice and they said they'd speak to the main GP and see if she'd let me have it cheaper. I thanked them and left.

It turns out that after seeing the next person he went out to reception and told them I could have it for free and that he hadn't intended to upset me. I'm miserable for the rest of the day really, but that is a huge relief and I can finally start this thing.

First meeting is tomorrow, so I will update afterwards....